hannah's lovelies

2011-07-05T03:12:00.002+08:00

Adele - Set Fire to the Rain

These are my favorite parts of the song:

I let it fall, my heart,

And as it fell, you rose to claim it

It was dark, and I was over

until you kissed my lips, and you saved me

But there's a side to you, that I never knew, never knew

All the things you say, they were never true, never true

And the games you play, you would always win, always win

But I set fire to the rain,

Watched it pour as I touched your face

let it burn while I cry

'Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name (goosebumps much?)

I set fire to the rain

And I threw us into the flames

Where I felt something die

'Cause I knew that was the last time, the last time

Amazing lyrics.

It gave me goosebumps when I listened to the words she was singing. It's always been this way, for all the songs that I really liked, I would have a urge to start writing down the lyrics of my favorite parts.

Her latest album has a couple of songs that have made my favorite list.

'Turning tables' is one.

Go and listen to it!

2011-06-28T01:06:00.002+08:00

It's been awhile everyone.

I don't think anyone reads anymore but it doesn't matter. I'm writing now to just get things off my chest.

I've been by myself for quite some time, at first it was tough since I believe I was overly emotionally dependent, then I started getting used to it, there was too many things happening all at once that it kept my mind of things I didn't want to think about.

And now, it feels like my life is in limbo. Not literally of course, it just feels so stagnant. It is nights like tonight that I fall into a sorta depressed and feel oh-so-sorry for myself mode. I guess everyone has their moments.

I review the choices I've made in the past, and I can't help but feel regret for some of those times. I have realized that there's a self preservation mode I slip into when I am at the crossroads of having to bare my self to another again. It was tough before, it's even tougher now.

It is so difficult now. I can't even explain how I go into lock down when things like these happen. I push people away, hoping to live encompassed in my security blanket. I like it safe. Never crossing the yellow line, not even being close to toe it.

People view me as the opposite of this, to others, I'm open, I am not a traditionalist, I can have platonic relationships with the opposite gender. It is true to a certain extent, but I never really open up, never really feel the need to bring down those walls.

It worked for awhile. But then it started making me weary. And that's when everything from my well crafted safe-house started crumbling. It crumbles, and I built it up again. An endless cycle, one that I'm still living in.

I know it's all water under the bridge, as the saying goes. But since that last bad breakup, I don't trust anymore. My perspective in life has changed. It is really amazing how one event in life can change your views forever.

To view the world with innocent eyes, believing in trusting others rather than doubting them, to view people based on their merits, and not judge them for their indiscretions. It's all changed. I'm wary of people now. Since having no expectations and trust in a person means no disappointment, no betrayal and no heartache, right?

I hate what I've become.

I hate that I can even hate.

I hate that I believe in the worse of people now.

I hate that I have unpleasant thoughts.

I hate that it doesn't bother me that much anymore when I hurt others.

I hate it all.

I always wonder at night, who can save me from this misery?

And if this person even comes, what decision will I make then?

I fear the loneliness, it gnaws at my consciousness and makes me aware of how alone I really am.

What frightens me even more is that I would rather be with my loneliness rather than open up and accept another.

As night comes, it leaves me again with this thought,

'Who can save me from this?'

2011-05-07T01:18:00.002+08:00

At night, I study in my parents room.

A single reading lamp. Books and papers all over the desk. A mug for whatever miracle concoction I've made for the night. Dad's extremely loud snoring. Mum's muted television shows making colors on the walls of the room. Whatever music that suits the mood for tonight: Ellie Goulding today.

I'm having this uncomfortable feeling deep in my chest.

I wonder whether its indigestion, though I think indigestion usually feels different. Went out with Desmond today. It's our almost routine weekly dinner meet ups. Saying we ate too much is an understatement.

I like hanging out with des. Although domesticated is the last word that should describe him, when we hang out, have dinner, share desserts, go to supermarkets, it feels very domestic. haha. It's a feeling of companionship that I've missed.

Ahh this uncomfortable feeling.

Missing old friends and companions. Of late night secrets sharing. Bonding over every little thing gossip worthy. Spending hours on the phone.

I've retracted from society.

Buried under studying.

Engrossed over books.

More interested in written words than interacting with real people.

Not feeling too happy with myself at the moment.

Time for some resolutions.

hmm.

And time to get back to revision.

Sleep well everyone.

2011-04-13T23:48:00.003+08:00

Hello everyone!

I've been out of the hospital for close to 2 weeks (i think?)

It's been a boring time staying home. I've lost track of time, whether its monday or sunday doesn't matter anymore.

All I've been doing is resting. Studying. Resting. Studying.

I really hate studying. Especially when I realized that I HAD to study, because I couldn't do much of anything else. UGH.

I get depressed easily these days.

Really, confinement at home can bring down even the strongest willed person. Sigh. I don't know what I'm doing. I've got no motivation to study at all.

A couple of days back, I just suddenly got so uber depressed. I don't know why.

I just felt that everything was going wrong, my mum was nagging constantly, my leg was swollen and throbbing, I couldn't understand what I was studying, I got back bad assignment grades.

I just sat on my bed and stared at the ceiling. For about two hours. Gosh it was so bad. Anything made me cry. And I don't cry easily! I sobbed. bawled.

I guess it was all the stress and heaps of frustration piled up, and that was my breaking point.

Even now, I still get ticked off pretty easily.

I try to control myself though.

I know I don't like being confined in the house all day and night. I feel like history is repeating itself. The last time was like this too. So I try to sneak out of the house just for a walk, to gather my senses and make sure I don't go crazy.

Now, I'm feeling kinda sorry for myself. haha. I hate that.

Self pity is something I really don't like.

Makes me all soggy. hahaha. not sure what I mean by that.

Anyway, just a quick update to all who still read my blog (although I highly doubt there's anymore readers because of my lack of updates), I'm out of the hospital, and currently recuperating at home. The surgery was a success, although the results of whether my leg is any better is still inconclusive. I'll have to wait for the swelling and everything to go down.

What else? hmm. that's about all.

Thanks for all the well wishes everyone=)

To my fellow classmates: study hard and all the best!

byebye.

2011-03-31T21:11:00.002+08:00

And so the feeling of boredom and restlessness sets in.

IM SO BORED AND RESTLESS.

Schedule for the day:
wake up
laze around
start trying to walk and work out the kinks in the leg
stretch all my stiff muscles (yeeouch)
wash up
stare around
read
brunch and meds
read
stare around somemore
dinner and meds
bath time (most exciting part of my day, sigh, imagine that {figure of speech pls dont actually go and imagine me bathing yikes.})
read
walk around until mum nags me to stop (real phrasing: stop walking around! your leg will get infected and drop off. {what the? hahahhaa})
take my favourite meds of the day (extra strong drowsy pain meds that literally make me go dizzy)
read somemore until i cant focus anymore
sleep.

My day is just so boring!
Mum wont even let me walk around, so i guess a walk downstairs is a confirmed no no.

But I am glad that tmrw i'll have an excuse to step out of the house.
I'll be going to my god sis's place to help with bday preperations for saturday.
Don't know how much help I'll be in my crippled state, but I guess I can handle painting and cutting decorations. Mostly I'll be painting the pinata we made that day.

I'll be doing her make up on the actual day too yay.

I'M BORED.
SO BORED.
sigh. someone sneak me out of the house please.
i wanna go to the library.
drink some hot tea.
snuggle up with someone. or maybe not.
sigh.

gosh, restlessness is making me desperate.
I guess it's because of the new book i just finished reading.

it's called Succubus Blues. haha by the name I guess its obvious what the contents revolve around.
But it's a suprisingly informational and enjoyable read. Lots of references to mythology, current affairs plaguing the world, and a lot of intelligent dialogue.

Not something you would expect from a book with that title. But I liked it and I'm gonna read the other 4 sequeals.

yay more to add to my book list.

now that ive finished talking about my books.
i'm reminded of what a pathetic dreary and boring life i lead.
sigh.

i wanna go out.
ugh, meds are making me all drowsy.
toodles.
i'm going to rest.

2011-03-31T01:43:00.002+08:00

I'm back home from the hospital.
It has been a trying time.

Yesterday after the opertaion, I vomitted at least 8 times in less than 7 hours. It was the painkillers that gave me nausea. Didn't eat anything for the whole night. Even water was no good.

At least Ive got my appetite back. Still feel the after effects of nausea though.

And now, my leg hurts. =(
My ankle area is swollen so the stitches feel way too tight. It's tugging at the incisions. It's hurting. Like tearing skin. YIKES.

My toes feel numb too. I hope it gets better tmrw. It doesnt hurt, it's just way too weird. Like touching someone else's toes instead of my own.

Sigh, it's time to go to sleep.
My pain meds are making me dizzy. REALLY STRONG MEDS. Still doesn't take away the stitches tugging gross stinging pain.

=(((( Not a good night.
Although I really am glad to be home.
Good night all.

2011-03-24T18:25:00.003+08:00

Blind- Life house

You could not believe it
That my love for you was blind
But I couldn't make you see it

Couldn't make you see it..

I loved you more than you will ever know

A part of me died, when I let you go

I love this song from Life house, the lyrics, the tune, the voice. Everything.

Tomorrow will be the last assignment duedate for my entire school life.

=) or =(? I don't know.

Things are going too fast.

2011-03-24T02:24:00.002+08:00

Hey all, sorry for the lack of updates.

It's just been a busy period for me! It's my last semester at school, so it's assignment after assignment. To think I only read two books this week!! gasps. haha.

Anyway, just to let everyone know, my operation is scheduled! whoopie!

It's next tuesday AND I'M SUPER EXCITED!

I CANT WAIT.

haha. I hope it doesn't hurt as bad as the last time. what am i saying? of course it'll hurt just as bad! maybe worse. But i'll be smiling through it. haha.

HAPPPPPPY.

Soon, I'll be able to squat, run, jump and more!

I hope all goes well.

Best case scenario, surgery will go as planned and i'll have to small little key hole incisions on my ankle.

Worst case scenario, my doc will have to cut through the old wound and re fill the bone with new bone. There's also a risk that I'll get nerve damage on my foot. I REALLLLLLY HOPE NOT.

Alrighty, excited.

I'm gonna go do my report now.

toodles!

2011-02-19T22:54:00.001+08:00

I don't want to be like this.
I don't like it.

But it's sucking me in.
It feels black and sticky.

When will we all be free?

2011-02-12T21:51:00.003+08:00

It's been awhile since I last blogged. I usually blog when I have no outlet to let out my emotions. Today is one of those days.

I woke up morning to the news that my Uncle papa had passed away two days ago. "Uncle papa" is a weird title I know. He used to be my eldest brother's babysitter. I guess the name uncle papa came to because he was like a father to my brother. We visit uncle papa and his family every year at chinese new year without fail. It's just one of those routines that you grow up into. For the pass couple of years, uncle papa has been plagued with parkinsons, and it's been troubling to see him fall sicker.

He really loved my eldest brother. Even though I was never as close to him as my brother, my childhood is filled with memories of uncle papa. He would bring us out, buy us presents for christmas and visit out house in the past.

Taken last week at uncle papa's house.

This chinese new year's visit to his house showed my the strong bond he had with his family. His children took care of him with so much love and care. It's painful to imagine what they are going through now.

I seek comfort in the fact that uncle papa is now resting in the arms of the Lord, and that his suffering is over. I pray that his family will get through this tough time through the Lord's blessing and guidance.

Rest in peace Uncle papa.

You are dearly missed.

2011-02-12T21:00:00.000+08:00

I went to see a specialist a couple of days ago..

Ever since that incident three years ago, I've been dealing with the aftereffects of the surgery.

It was a last resort kinda thing. I had done all the physio exercises I could do, taken all the glucosamine and calcium pills I could take. But nothing seemed to helped. I always felt the pain even if there was a slight improvement. It felt like something was blocking and forcing the angle of my ankle to be that way.

It finally came to a point where frustration and ambiguity won over my patience. I wanted to see a specialist. I hated my doctor at the hospital. Although he is good at what he does, he has a dismissive attitude. He doesn't seem to care about his patients. And he never gives info until I ask. Even after seeing him countless of times in the last three years, if you ask me any questions on the full extent of my injuries, I won't be able to answer you because I just have no idea!

So I went to the specialist with a heavy heart. My docter at SGH had always placed me in a mindset that nothing could be done to help my condition. My thoughts were that, I just wanted to have a peace of mind. To finally have someone tell me that nothing can be done, just live with it. No more wondering whether anything could be done.

I went to the specialist at Gleneagles. Dr Wong really is a totally different person than my doctor. He's warm and engaging, and never gives off that dismissive attitude. On wednesday, I went for my appointment. On the same day, I had xrays done, and MRI scans done. It was just so fast!

Yesterday I went to see him again to discuss the results of my scans.

He sat me down, I was so nervous. Because it was verdict time! What was really wrong with my leg that I just couldn't fully recover?

The diagnosis was simple. He told me that bone cyst I had, grew until it impeded movement. That particular bone was just too big! It was obstructing the joints from being able to bend to its maximum capability. That was why all this time, no matter how much I stretched, I just could not flex my ankle past the 90 degree angle.

I never knew that my bone was too big. I never knew that that was the main reason why I can't seem to push past the 90 degree angle.

However, this was still not the time to celebrate. What could be done to help it?

Dr Wong told me that he did not know whether it was possible to fix it. There is a procedure that can be done, incisions are made and a drill thing is put into shave away the bone. However, because the bone in question was originally a cyst, it was once hollow and then operated on to put in bone chips to fill it up. The bone is like a living organism, it regenerates. However, because my bone is 'artificial', he needs to consult other doctors on whether it is recommended to do such a thing. It might be better to leave it as it is.

So Dr Wong said he'll consult his partner, and get back to be when they have discussed things.

Sigh.

So here I am, not sure whether to be happy to know that something can be done, or just be prepared for disappointment when the doc tells me that the operation is a no go. And even if it was a yes, Dr Wong cautioned that things will never be the same as before. I understand that. I just want things to improve.

What should I do?

I'm dying from anticipation. It's barely been a day. I've never been one to squirm at operations. I just wanna go " Hurry and drill off the bone already!"

I need to focus my attention on something else!!!

Reports. Yes yes, I will get my report done.

Sigh. Bye all.

2011-01-06T01:02:00.002+08:00

First day of school tomorrow.
It's gonna be my last semester.

Feeling doom and gloom.
My ankles hurt. Yes both ankles. so stupid. I bought this new pair of wedge slip ons that are much higher than the rest of my other footwear. It's pretty stable. But while trying it on just now I lost balance and twisted the left, tried to gain footing again, and twisted the right and fell flat on my butt. LOL it was so comical. I sat on the floor laughing for a good minute because I felt so stupid! And, I bet I looked even worse. hahhaha. Lucky that I was in the house.

I still can walk, but both ankles feel slightly uncomfortable now. I think I pulled some muscles too. I hope tomorrow morning I don't wake up with two swollen ankles. It'll be reaaaaally weird to wear two ankle guards (which I totally won't - one word: UGLY).

I'm feeling tired. But not sleepy.
Thinking about lots of things. School, love life (or rather, lack of), what to do with my messy room, weight gain(YIKES), stupid ankle, never being able to find shoes that fit (more than half size difference between both feet), increasingly annoying small pimples that refuse to go away, friends: current friends, MIA friends, lsot friends, and so much more.

Recently, my parents and I have been discussing about seeing a specialist about my ankle. I know that it's already three years, and not much can be done. Maybe all I want is a peace of mind. I just turned 21. And I deal with pain every single day. Not being able to run, jump, squat. Having such weak muscles that I'm not able to build up because of the injury. It causes me to twist my ankle so easily. Oh gosh, not to mention the knee pain. I REAAAALLLY don't like knee twists. It hurts worse. I'm also starting to get lower back pain. The problems just never end.

The other day, Uncle Benny asked me what I'm going to do. Ten, twenty years down the road, it's highly likely that I'll get married and get pregnant. How is my ankle gonna cope with the stress? It set me thinking. Right now, I'm still coping. It's pain, pain, pain everyday. But I can still deal with it. I sorta got used to it. But, to make up for the weak left leg, I overcompensate with my right leg. It would surely break down one day too. What am I gonna do then? I don't know. It's so unsettling.

I know, no point crying over spilt milk. But anything to make it better I guess, I'm willing to do it. I never thought such a small part of the body would give me so much problems. The knees, the hips, muscles, back. I know I shouldn't let it affect me, but it still does after such a long time.

I keep thinking: what if I didn't get on that lorry, what if I didn't fall off? I know. The hollow bone was already in my ankle, people tell me that it was a blessing in disguise. That if I didn't fall off and fracture my ankle, I wouldn't have found out about the underlying issue.

But. I can't help thinking that if I didn't fracture my ankle, the hollow bone would have remained domant. It could have been another twenty, thirty years down the road that I find out about it. And I wouldn't have to deal with any of the things I deal with now. It's painful to think this way. Having to deal with the repercussions of the injury for the rest of my life.

So depressing.

Allowing myself to be depressed for now.

For now.

Gonna curl up in bed and watch some tear jerkers.
Night everyone.

2010-12-25T20:41:00.002+08:00

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

I had chirstmas dinner at sharslik last night. The food was pretty good. Daddy was sick, so we decided to go home early. It was a pretty lonely christmas this year. Mum just went to hongkong with her gal pals, both brothers and gracia are still in the US. So it's just me and dad.

Today we went out to celebrate Rachel's 15th birthday! It was pretty fun, we got to decorate her cake with her. Since it's christmas, my maid isn't home. So I cooked dinner for my dad!=) We had ribs, honey glazed chicken and roasted beef. It's all from my susu's house. I made rice. haha. It's a special rice! Tastes like chicken rice because I cooked it with chicken stock, plus I added in garlic, butter, tuffle oil, bits of honey baked ham. VERY YUMMMMMMMY!

Merry Christmas everyone. Even if you aren't christian, I hope you've had a great time this time of year. It's the feeling of family warmth and laughter that makes me happy. Although most of the family isn't together this year, my dad and I still had fun with our friends. Charice and family, aunty peggy, aunty linda and the rest.

I would have enjoyed it more if I had my own special someone to spend christmas eve nights and christmas day mornings. I KNOW, sounds so needy. hahah. Oh well, I'll get used to it. Afterall, it's my first christmas alone in.... 4 years.

Anyway, I'm off to watch christmas movies and whatnot!

Tis the season to be jolly...

TOODLES!

2010-12-12T20:35:00.004+08:00

i had the sickest dream last night.
i think im gonna get struck my lightning for dreaming bout stuff like that.
what the hell am i thinking about?

omg. i feel sick.
it's times like these that i really wish i had someone who would just sit with me, and give me some comfort and warmth that i'm in dire need of.
it's days like these that i want to have my own room, my own space to mope.

lonliness really gets to me.
i'm surrounded by family, lovely friends.
but somehow, it always feels like something is missing.

life isn't short.
life is so horribly slow and long.
it's arduous, and just so taxing.

anyway,i'm feeling really ugh. physically.
need more sleep and lozenges. lots of powerful lozenges.
i should have gone to joey's pj christmas party, but i felt that it'll be better to stay home. Don't wanna spread the flu to everyone.
haha, nonetheless, i'm in the perfect dress code.
most comfortable pajamas, a fleece blanket, bed head hair.
haha.
i might not be there physically, but i'm there in spirit!

i just wanna lie in bed and rest.
and mope, and sob. and just live in the bed for the next couple of days.
not possible though.
have to follow my brother to the post office tmrw. he has lots of stuff to post out and needs my help.
he's leaving on tuesday. actually both brothers plus gracia are leaving for new york.

i'm meeing joy on tuesday too, for facial and body massage, plus a movie.
sounds fun! better rest well till then.
wednesday is school enrollment session.
thursday night is daddy's bday celebration.
saturday is some kids christmas party concert thing my mum asked me to help out at. i'm gonna be helping with hair and make up.
sunday is gb's concert. still not sure whether i can go though.
monday i'll be off on the cruise with my dad. it's a four day trip with the usual peeps.

i'm booked up most of the week.
ahhhhh sch holidays are ending soon.
=(

uhoh.
tummy ache.
crappers i hope it's not stomach flu!
toodles.

2010-12-08T13:45:00.004+08:00

I had my 21st birthday party on saturday!
It was lots of fun. It felt like a school reunion. haha. It's so difficult to get everyone to gather, so it was great to see all the familiar faces. The room at naumi was so pretty and HUGE. It felt like some cool bachelor pad. haha. I'll upadate more, plus the photos.

But that's not why I'm blogging now.
My brother got me a nook! It's by barnes and noble, and it's an ebook reader. IT'S SO AWESOME!

I always thought that i wouldnt like the feel of electronic pages, but the screen of the nook is made to look just like paper. Of course nothing beats flipping through a real book, feeling the crisp pages and that paper smell. But this is as close as it gets!

I'm a happy person today!

I woke up this morning, not too happy though. Had this weirdout dream. It was saddening. haha. Oh well, it must have been the close proximity we've been through the last week. Anyway, I'm gonna have lunch and read some books!=)

toodles.

2010-12-01T20:49:00.002+08:00

I need a polaroid camera!! Does anyone have one?
=((((

Can't seem to find the polaroid 600 film. So I can't use jt's polaroid camera.
The shops are all selling instax polaroids, I guess jt's one is really vintage. haha.

Oh well, I thought it'll be fun to take polaroids at the party. BUT I CAN'T FIND THE FILM.
so......no polaroids.
booooo.

Anyway, organizing a party is really tough. There's just a never ending list of things to do.
I'm off to complete some stuff now.

toodles.

2010-11-29T12:59:00.002+08:00

Celebrated aunty Linda's bday at jade palace yesterday. The food was pretty good=) Then after that we went over to uncle jimmy's place to cut the cake and just chit chat. It's been awhile since I've been in this routine. I kinda miss it. haha.

Charis and Lydia are back in SG for now, so it's been fun just hanging out. Last night we were talking about going out for indian food. YUM.

Anyway, the other night, we had a grp gathering with the poly peeps. Gb, timo, dan, tt and sam. We went to watch HP! It was slightly draggy in the middle but overall it's good. Gb said that it's been a really long time since we have gathered like that. And it's true. Guys are in army, some at work, others in school. It's gonna be tougher to organize something like this in the future.

Anyway, something's been bothering me.
It's the lingering gazes that tell me things can never be as before. It's not on purpose, I guess it's just a reflex action. The way one is accustomed to another. I need to hold myself back, to keep myself in check. It's slightly difficult. But, it's something that can't be breached. No matter how tempting it is. I wonder whether if it's just me. Maybe I'm not as strong as I'd like to think of myself.

Lingering gazes, awkward silences.
The weirdest tension permeates spaces.
It's a familiar yet different feeling.

I know this person,
I don't know this person.
No longer what I call mine.
It's a battle with my sanity on the line.

I will stay out.

2010-11-20T23:56:00.002+08:00

I'M SUFFERING.

Haven't fallen this sick in a while.

The sore throat is gone. The coughing has intensified so badly at night I feel like I'm about to cough out my brains. It gives me horrid headaches. The flu has come. Runny nose, block nose, it changes from hour to hour. No fever as of now, but it's coming. Although I'm already on antibiotics. My temp is now 37.5.

So yup, I think the meds are suppressing it for now.

I just wanna stay home and sleep.

But I'm going out tmrw. Really happy for Lia.

It's her engagement ceremony tomorrow!=))))

Can't wait to see her. Plus zeb and dalilah are going. I haven't seen dalilah since we graduated.

So I'm pretty excited. I hope I won't be lethargic tmrw. The meds I take all induce drowsiness.

I'll just have to rest well tonight.

Good night everyone.

yawn.......

2010-11-18T19:52:00.002+08:00

I'M BACK!

It's been a long trip. haha. Imagine sleeping 6 hours a night, shopping for more than 10 hours, having 2 meals day, and walking A LOT. hahha. Multiply that by 6!

It made me realize the convenience of singapore transportation, plus, the awesome air quality compared to thailand. Of course, the stuff in thailand is uber cheap! that's the plus point. I also realized that walking so much can really take a big toll on my ankle, especially the knee. In the end, I fell sick. haha. Really sore throat, headache, body ache.

It was bad.

But the trip was great! The food was yummy too.

I had a good time. Now, I'm just staying home, recovering from the horrid cough.

Meeting JT tmrw! YAY.

I havent seen her for months!=)))

Can't waaaaait.

haha.

Alright, i'm going to grab something to eat.

byebye!

2010-11-09T20:07:00.003+08:00

THAILAND HERE I COME!

Tomorrow's gonna be the start of my holiday trip. I've been waiting for so long after it got cancelled the last time. So I'm pretty excited!

I hope everything runs smoothly. The last time I went to Thailand was rather disastrous. haha. I'm packing my luggage now, so many things, so little space. I'm trying to restrain myself. Because we didn't get check in luggage! So it's all hand carry.

Anyway, I've finally booked my birthday hotel room. yay! It's a room at naumi and it looks nice from the photos. It's gonna be a small gathering so I'm sorry if you didn't get invited! But those who know they should get invited but haven't gotten a facebook invitation, please message me! I'm rather forgetful sometimes.

I'm happy I've settled all these. Finally. So I can go on my trip without worrying. I'm gonna shop until I go mad. WOOHOO. haha. Just realized that results day is on the 3rd of dec. Fingers crossed I'll get good grades, or else I'll be really mopey at the party.

On a side note. I know it's not good to bear grudges, and I don't usually do that. But when I say something or set my mind to it, there's no way I'm turning back. It's simple as that.

Anyway, I've gotta go now.

Take care everyone.

See ya in a week's time!

2010-11-02T23:09:00.002+08:00

Hi everyone.
It's the last dash to the finish line. My last paper is tmrw.
And I think this is the most least prepared I feel for any paper I've taken.
Shows how lazy I've become this semester. I hope I can pull it together for tmrw's paper.
I'm so sick of exams!

There's this song by Ellie goulding - The End.

Our body's fit together like a makeshift puzzle
And It's clear to see why you puzzle me
And you turn your frame
And you whisper my name
As though I am a burden

Cus I'm making up for last time
And I'm making up for you
And I'm waking up from last night
And I'm waking up with you
So what's new?

The chorus is pretty good.
Makes me feel sad. AHHHHH, exams are making me depressed.
OKAY, time to go back to studying.
=(
wish me luck and broken legs and all that.
sigh.

byebye.

2010-10-21T20:34:00.001+08:00

I watched this on tv the other day, I loved the way she sang this song.
It just moved me.

watch!

2010-10-18T23:29:00.002+08:00

Everyone puts on a front. I don't mean it in a bad way, it's just a fact I'm stating.

I put on a front.

The simple ones, when I'm sad I'll pretend to be happy so no one will know how I'm really feeling.

To the more complicated ones. To have to always keep up a certain 'image' I've set for myself.

I often question why I have to put all this pressure on my shoulders.

I always tell myself, ''It's a necessity''

Up to a certain extent, Yes it is.

But how far do I have to put up this mask?

I see this in my friends. Some put this front on to live up to expectations, be it their own or the people around them. To carry the burden for everyone's mistakes. I feel terrible because I can't do anything to help. How long can they continue with all this stress? When is the time to stop?

It comes to a point where no one really knows who they are. Not confiding in anyone because it's felt like it isn't a burden for others to carry. It's sad. I feel so depressed when it's so ingrained in their personality that there's nothing that can be done.

To never trust someone enough to tell them what you are thinking.

But there's really nothing that can be done is there?

Conformity to societal rules and norms.

Everyone lives like that.

It's just that some know when to be themselves, and others don't.

Sometimes, I don't know when to stop putting up all the masks.

I don't want to be someone I'm not.

Hannah Lin, almost 21.

Still searching for her true inner self.

2010-10-17T04:18:00.003+08:00

I went for my first ever facial today.
Another thing checked off my list to do before 21.

It was so relaxing. Although it hurt a lil when she started clearing out the white and black heads, the rest was reallly relaxing. She cleansed, moisturized and massaged my face, neck and shoulders. It was so nice! I loved the mask at the end. Eye mask, face mask, and she placed a netting over, then applied a cold mask.

The facial place was at some spa in windsor building. Huge place with many rooms. Reminded me so much of my entrpreneur project I did in poly. Our group proposed a Japanese spa called the Inochi spa. Really brought back many memories.

Anyway, I've gotta go sleep soon. Just completed my revision for today.
I feel like a tired mess.
toodles and sleep tight.

2010-10-15T00:59:00.003+08:00

Christina Perri - Jar of hearts

No I can't take one more step towards you.
Cause all that's waiting is regret.
Don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore?
you lost the love i loved the most.
I've learnt to live half a life,
and now you want me one more time.

Who do you think you are?
running around leaving scars,
collecting your jar of hearts,
tearing love apart.
You're gonna catch a cold,
from the ice inside your soul,
so dont come back for me,
Who do you think you are?

It's a really nice song.
Go listen!

I've been studying the past few days, cramming my finance notes.
ugh, it's such a chore!
I realllly dont like exams.

It stresses me out so much.
So I balance my study and relax time. haha, by watch animes!
Somehow, I always feel relaxed whenever I watch those shows.

It's time for my daily dosage of anime!
UGH, tomorrow I've gotta go back to school. Enrol for new modules. I don't understand why they've gotta do this every semester. It's really a waste of time.

Anyway, I'm going now.
Bye everyone!

2010-10-06T00:17:00.002+08:00

Hey all.
I'm deciding whether to have a 21st birthday party. After all, it is an iconic moment where one transforms into a .. butterfly(metaphorically) ?LOL. Butterfly? Not too sure. But an offical adult? Yes.

So I'm wondering what I can do.

Chalets - NO.
No offense to those who have had chalet birthdays, it's just not me. Locations are bad, most chalets are dingy, and it just has no feel.

Function rooms - Maybe.
Maybe not. hahah. Definitely no if it's at my house. The residents always bitch about noise,and the party has to end at 10(crazily early!)

Hotel room - Yes
I'm open to this idea, I just can't find the right hotel! I want something cool and BIG ENOUGH to fit at least 25 peeps. Plus, a place that isn't that all poshy that the guests from other rooms complain about noise. I really like boutique hotels. But they're small. Tiny.

I NEED HELP! If you guys know of any hotels that you've tried and are pretty good, tell me!

What else is there?
Can't think of anythgin else better than hotels.

I've always wanted a party on a yatch. But it's too darn expensive.=(

My bday party wont be all princessy and about dolling up. I'll keep it casual, there'll be a theme. But something easy to pull off. Mel's white affair was great! But I can't steal his idea, so I've gotta think of something else.

Anyway, it's time to sleep.
Last lesson of the semester tmrw!
Plus I'm handing in my last report for the semester tmrw too.

If you've got any ideas do tell me!

2010-10-05T02:05:00.002+08:00

Ethics paper is due on wednesday!
Currently, we're on track.

hmmmmm.I've got finance class tmrw at 3.30pm. It's revision lecture, I'm still figuring what to bring. i'll just bring all my notes. and exam papers.

I'm feeling bored.
It's that lull period. I've done my part for the EG, so I'm waiting for the rest to finish and then compiling can start.

I'm currently loving Christina Aguilera's song: You lost me. Plus, Little bird by The weepies. Seriously! It's such a great song.

Little bird
Little bird
Brush your gray wings on my head
Say what you said
Say it again
They tell me I'm crazy
But you told me
I'm golden
Sometimes it's hard to tell the truth from the lies
Nobody knows what's in the hold of your mind
We are all buildings and people inside
Never know who walks through the door
Is it someone that you've met before

This song makes me feel moody, but at peace. I know, contradictory, but listen, and then you'll understand.

Anyway, I'm gonna go read my book now.
sleep well everyone.

2010-09-29T21:56:00.004+08:00

The last week has been so tiring!!
Firstly, although a lil late,

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MELMEL!

The party was great. =)

Today is my rest day. After going to the post office, I had lunch with my brother and went home. Felt so sleepy! The weather is so darn hot, the aircon was GREAT. So I feel asleep. Basically I slept the whole day away. It's like a recovery period from sunday. haha.

Mel's party was fun. Although extremely jam packed with people, somehow that made the everyone bond. haha. There were at least 30 people squeezed into the small loft/room at the peak period. I was door bitch. sigh. haha. My job was to smile and look nice. haha! Nah, more like all in one secretary. Pick up the guests from the lobby, go shopping for party stuff, make sure everyone wears white, ensure everyone has food and so on. Tiring, but so fun! Met lots of mel's friends that night. And they're nice peeps.

hoho melmel got drunk! He's soooo funny when he's drunk. I LIKE THE DRUNK MEL.
haha. It's the only time he lets his guard down. somehow i'm glad i was there=)

Anyway, I still have one more grp essay to go. Then it's study break and the dreaded exams. I'm worried for my strategic management. Alright, I'm gonna go chill for awhile more. Tomorrow is my group meeting. So, it's my last chance to rest.

bye everyone!

2010-09-22T20:42:00.003+08:00

Hello all.
Finally, DC and SM have been handed in. woots.
Now all that is left is ethics.

I just got up from a nap. Been fallin sick the last couple of days.
But now I feel better. So tomorrow I'm going out with mel to get his bday stuff for sunday. yay, PARTY TIME.

TEEHEE, I hope he likessss his gift.
hahaha.

I'm in love with this song - Roscoe
A cover done by Ellie Goulding, I don't really fancy the original. But her version is pretty good.

the village used to be all one really needs,
now its filled with hundreds and hundreds of chemicals,
that mostly surround you, you wish to flee
but its not like you, so listen to me, listen to me.

I saw an old friend in SIM yesterday.
Asked me a reaaaallly surprising question. It's sorta botherin me.
Oh well, I should not read too much into it.

Anyway, tonight I'll be staying home and watching movies.
I feel so relaxed. Need to stock up on the panadol before the headache comes back again!
Toodles.

2010-09-14T00:44:00.002+08:00

I've had peace and quiet for the last four days.
NO MORE.
Brothers are back from their trip to phuket.

haha.
Oh well, I have had fun the last couple of days.

I stayed up really late last night.
Finishing up my part for the DC marketing project.
There was just sooooo much to do. In the end, My part alone had 22 pages including the pictures, and 2000 words. I've already typed as little words as I can for each part. There's just so many points! Can't send it through email because its close to 200 mb. 200!!!!

So i'll just pass it to melvin tmrw during lesson. Just need to find my thumbdrive.
I'll turn in for the night. PROJECT MADNESS is giving me a migrane.

nighty all.

2010-09-10T17:08:00.002+08:00

Incredible mix of voices! I'm stuck on this song now.

Anyway, I guess today I'll be home the whole day. Both brothers and gracia left for phuket this morning. Mom and dad are going out for dinner tonight. Leaving me at home with yiyi.

I'M BORED.

It's a rest day today. Tomorrow I'll have to go to Tampines to take the remaining photos for DC project. haha. Maybe I'll go grocery shopping too.

What do I do now. hmmmmm. I'm bored. I'll go watch some shows.
toodles.

2010-09-09T05:08:00.002+08:00

It's 5:08AM. It seems like I've been starting posts with outrageous time logs. haha.

I can't sleep. Last night I slept 2 hours max before dragging myself up for school. So when I got home I took a 'nap'. My nap turned out to be 5 hours long. lol.

I'm finally feeling slightly sleepy. It's finance class again.Twice this week. It's the only module that I've really gotta use all my brainpower and concentrate. Just thinking abt it is making my head throb. I've been having a headache the whole day, must have been the lack of sleep.

Time to go to bed.
YAWN.
night.

2010-09-08T01:44:00.002+08:00

It's 1:44AM. I've got lessons at 8:30 tmrw morning, plus a long day filled with project discussion. I'm still doing my draft for DC. And, I've just sauteed mushroom with butter, toasted bread with cheese and made a really yummy sandwich. Really good. haha.

sighhh.I keep on missing morning lessons, so weiguang has volunteered, forcefully, to give me a wake up call in the morning. I hope he doesn't call at some ungodly hour like 5:30. Ohwell, all for my own good.

I can feel an impending headache tmrw. It's project discussion day for DC. So many things to clarify and discuss. Plus, I've got to go back to Tampines mall to take additional photographs for the project. I'll most probably do that after the meeting. bleh.

Anyway, I've gotta continue doing my part.
goodsssnightsss.

2010-09-07T03:06:00.003+08:00

It's been awhile.
Finance test is finally over.
And I feel so relieved. Maybe too relieved. I have this holiday mood going on now. Haha. I cant though, there's still so many projects left. I don't know whether I'll do well for my finance, I just hope I didn't make too many careless mistakes.

I've been watching this anime called "Fruits Basket". I know I know, I don't look like the anime kind of person, I'm not really. But recently, I've realized that these shows make me feel happy. It's like an escape from reality. Just for that half an hour. Ahh, yes. "Fruits Basket" is really an anime worth watching. So far, it's one of my favorites. The anime encompasses so many deep feelings that many other animes don't. It makes its viewers smile during the happy moments, cry during the heart wrenching sad moments. It's deep because it has meaning, the underlying lessons.
"to be gracious, generous, and.. selfless. it's something i should always remember."
I've watched the entire series, I'm feeling a residual sadness. Not because its over, but because of the story itself. I don't want to sound like I'm totally in love with watching shows of fictional cartoon overly cute characters, but of course, I think I already am. haha. I love these shows. Of course I believe some manga writers are totally in that gross explicit zone, where all their characters have over sized big boobs and do weird stuff. Really, some of the ideas of the animes are just amazing. I mean, where do they think of such things? hahha. I prefer animes that don't have female characters that have watermelon sized boobs and erotic themes. It kinda taints everything.

It's not been all school and projects and anime shows. I've been reading. I went to the Border's sale that day. It was 25% off!! Plus I joined its members card, so I got an additional 10%! I bought three books straight. Tried to pace myself so I wouldn't finish all the books at once. Proved to be pretty useless because I finished the books within a week. But without the pacing, I would have done it in a couple of days. haha. I switch off when it's reading time, the outside world just disappears. Like getting lost in the characters of the books I read. I love fantasy, thriller and mystery books the most. Of course, it's better if there's a hint of romance. haha.

I haven't been exercising. And its showing. Not on the scale because I haven't put on any weight, but oh well. Let's leave that part unsaid. hahaha. I've been so lazy since school started. I need to start swimming again.

On another note. I don't like how this is progressing. I made a choice to push you away from my mind like how you pushed me away when I needed you. There were so many more important things in your life. More important things than me. I understand that. But I couldn't accept it. So for weeks the charade carried on. And over time I managed to learn how to be like you. Never putting your heart into things. Being cool about things.

You helped me in the beginning, and I appreciate it. But then I was pushed away. So much hurt from the people I cared about, just piled up onto a big stack. From you, from him, from her, from so many people I've put my heart into. I've learnt to be stronger than how I used to be. Through rejection and pain, I became the new me.

But now. You need my help. You say you've realized. I want to help you, to get you back on your feet. In the past, I would have helped you with no hesitation. But now? I don't know. I have my reservations. I will help, but it is help that will come from a friend. I do not want to cross that line. This grey area situation is one that I cannot deal with anymore. I want to be your friend, a person who will care for you and share your woes. And I'll be a great one. But what do you want? The ball is in your court.

Singlehood is suiting me just fine for now. I thought that I would never be able to do it. But through the months, not knowing that it was actually happening, I've become someone who has adapted to the situation. The past seven months has been the longest I've ever not been in a relationship since I was 16. It is liberating at times. Lonely at times. And most definitely sad at times. But it's all been a learning journey. I used to dislike it being said like that. A learning journey? What is that? Just some made up nonsense? I never realized the meaning behind those words. Now that I've experienced it myself, I truly understand.

Living for others. That's what I used to do. I can't say I've fully relinquished that role, but there is a balance now. I still feel happy when I see others happy. I feel troubled when others are troubled. It's just that now, I've learnt how to say no. I've learnt to leave a part of me, for myself.

Alright, I'm feeling sleepy. Time to go prepare for tmrw's finance lesson and go to bed.
It's been nice to pen down my thoughts. I should do it more often.
Goodnight.

2010-08-27T22:57:00.002+08:00

I finally managed to do it.
And I'm wondering why I didn't sooner.

It took bucket loads of courage.
But I did it. And it was for myself.

Now, I don't know what to make of things.
But for no apparent reason, it feels better.

I don't know what to do from here.
The truth is, I'm afraid.
Afraid of what this will dig up.
Skeletons in the closet.

But still, I feel better.
Because now, whenever I think of you, its more than just all the bad memories.
I can think of all the good times we had without having to cringe or go emotionally unstable.

Of course it's difficult. Thinking of everything is like putting myelf in a bare position. A position that can hurt me bad. I'll be honest. There's this longing. I don't know what it is for. And it terrifies me. But I'm done avoiding and hiding from problems.

There's no quick fix, and no instant remedy.
But... I think we're on the mend.
Along with all the confusion and mixed up feelings, I believe I'm feeling.. a sliver of happiness.
Happy that I'm finally able to face my problems head on. Happy that although the bridge is still in shambles, it's on the mend. Happy that our friends will no longer be stuck in the middle because of us.

Like a dead knot in my chest has finally been released.

I think..
This is what they call
'closure'.

2010-08-26T15:04:00.002+08:00

I missed Finance lecture today. I'm so dead.
I didn't feel up to even get out of bed. Splitting headache, aches all over.

SIGH.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY GRACIA!
You'll forever be 18. haha.
Last night was a whole night of partying. Went to the rooftop bar at meng's workplace to surprise her. Then after lots of drinks, ms yap still wanted to go out. So, we went out to zouk for mambo night. I didn't really like it. It was weird. lol! okay, mambo night is not my thing.
I had fun though!

I tried a couple of cocktails, I have a new favorite drink. It's called the xbox 360. I know, stupid name. But it's yum! Didnt get my usual sway tipsy pukeness, even after gulping down a pint of beer. haha. I managed to do something that I've been contemplating. And I'm glad I did! I'm just afraid of the repercussions now. But it's too late to think about that. Just gotta deal with what is to come.

Got home at 4 plus. I knew I was crazy, tryin to wake up at 10 to go to sch. Gosh.
ButI'm so worried!! I missed a finance lecture. And the test is coming up soon!
=(((((

I'll need to go through today's lecture notes.
worrrrried. i don't wanna fail my finance test.

Oh yes.
Dear fats, be safe in army! I hope they treat you well. =)

Alright, I'm going now.
toodles.

2010-08-17T00:50:00.002+08:00

busy busy busy.
Ethics paper is sapping up all my time, and it will continue to do so for the next four days till friday. I have to produce a good paper. Although crazily time constrained, I really want to do well. Time to read, read, and read somemore.

It not as easy as I initially thought, ethics is such a grey area topic, no right no wrong. Every marker had his own view point on ethics, and I can't tell what my marker will want, so I've gotta gain my marks by subtantiate each point I make.

Just handed in SM today, finally one down.

Still have so much to do for ethics. AHHH.
Alright, going to return to my paper, sleeping by 2.
It's such a full day tmrw! Have to wake up for 830am marketing lecture tmrw. Then I'll have EG lecture at 330pm. So I'm bringing my netbook to continue on my essay in the afternoon.

So much work to do.
It's a good distraction from other issues. Having a bad couple of weeks. When will I ever learn: It doesn't pay to be a good friend? Maybe I'll never. I guess its just the way I am. One would expect a little care and concern after putting in effort into a friendship. But, expectations kill.

Anyway, time to go.

2010-08-15T21:28:00.002+08:00

Going through the tedious work of editting and proofreading the SM report with my grp mates. This is the part where I really don't fancy much. But I'm always feeling happier after its done, a sense of satisfaction!

But now, we're only 3/4 through. yawn. Been at this for the last three hours. Tiring work.
Feeling way too gloomy today.
=(

YAWN.
TIRED.
FINGERS CROSSED MY BROTHER DOESNT SPREAD THE FLU TO ME.

sigh.
alright.
i need to go back to the slavework of report editting. lol.
bye.

2010-08-14T18:08:00.003+08:00

I feel out of sync with life lately.
A terrible feeling.

Had another dream last night. Not a good one.
Dream Catalog #3
I dreamt of being in this strange neighborhood area. Walking around and around with my mom. It was one of those at the back of your mind bad feelings. I kept having that feeling. It was filled with frustaration and despair. Suddenly my mom was gone, and I was just there calling out, screaming for her for a long time. It was awful. Then I woke up. The feeling was still there, a need to cry feeling.
Bad dream for me.

Anyway, I watched Inception yesterday.
It was one of the only movies where I went: wow. and had goosebumps all over. The logic and loopholes the show manages to twist and turn is just amazing. It was also a personal thing to me, because I've always had dreams, vivid dreams. The notion: of how an idea is contagious, it breeds and formulated itself once it has been planted in someone's mind, it just made me think. This movie makes people think. It's just a really good movie.

I'm going to do my report now. ugh, so much work to do!

2010-08-11T16:24:00.002+08:00

Dream catalogue #1

I had a dream a couple of days ago. It was a happy dream. I can't rmb what the details are, but I was really happy. The dream was so romantic it was gag inducing. haha. The most prominent thing I rmbed was that I was on some sort of date? With some guy, I don't know who he is in real life. Must be a mesh up fantasy of people in my life. haha. And, he asked me to dance. Ahh, this must have come from the step up 2 movie. The part where they are dancing the samba.
haha.

Dream Catalogue #2

This was just last night. It was an even better dream. I'm kinda annoyed at myself now, because I can't rmb! All I remember was staring into a guy's eyes and singing "dream a little dream of me." How ironic is that?! Omg, I can't believe that subconsiously, I'm a hopeless romantic. Sigh. I wish to have that dream again, it was a nice one.

I have a recurring dream. It not very nice. And I can't seem to place it now, I can't rmb it. Oh well, the next time I rmb it, I'll write it down.

--------------------------------------------

I didn't go to school today, woke up late again.
I've been rather busy with reports and whatnot the last couple of days, I haven't even read through the guide for my ethics paper.

My inward-worrier-for-friends instinct is starting up again. It's just that, I don't enjoy seeing my friends suffer, even though I know that it's a part and parcel of life.

Dear friend, I know it's difficult. Although I don't know the details of what has happened, I can feel that you are in torment. Especially for someone like you, someone who's always in control of life. I know that it seems like the world is upside down now, and everything is moving way too fast. I remember how it feels like, and I still feel like that sometimes. What kept me going was knowing that there was a finish line somewhere, a day where life will be back in order.

It took me awhile. Even now, I still lapse into that whole emo thing.
There is no time frame or date where it says that you must have already healed up and bounced back to becoming 'you' again. Don't let anyone push you into that. This healing process is a journey you are taking, on your own terms, timings and targets.

I can help. I know what I can do, be it someone to listen to you, talk your ear off, or just to be a companion. You've just gotta ask alright?
For me, I gave up on being a friend who wants to help a couple of months back because I was so dispirited. But oh well, what can I say? The...motherly instinct in me is acting up. lol! So, please be gentle with me, don't break me. hahhahah.

Anyway, just ask and I'll be there.
Don't keep it all bottled inside, even if that's what you're used to. Sometimes, you need to stop being there for everyone, like you were there for me, sometimes, you need to let go too, let your friends carry some of that burden. And well, that's what I'm here for alright?

Take care dear friend.

2010-08-05T21:55:00.002+08:00

ive been moody the last couple of days.

every little thing seems to rile me up and annoy me a whole lot.

sch assignments, finance lectures, life, books, movies, songs. anything just seems to make me annoyed, just feeling the need to lash out. like a walking time bomb.

i want to scream, i want to sob, i want to just lie down.

it's difficult keeping in all this suppressed emotion. my much needed support of friends feels weirdly dispersed. i realized some because of my own doing, others because of uncontrollable factors, maybe their own decision.

i'm tired.

too tired to keep up with the ball game of friendship.

whenever i manage to keep up, i realize i'm in another muddy mess.

should i just give up? or continue.

right now, my mind is more veered towards sinking into my own shell.

im trying though. trying to not rmb how betrayed i felt when i realized that all my efforts did not pay off, instead turning on me, somehow making me feel like whatever i did to help was a distant figment of my own imagination. it's tough to face someone who i once thought could possibly be one of my greatest friends, and rmb that everything we once had before is gone. the pretense is unnerving. i've never been a gd actress, never will be.

it doesn't pay to be good. somehow, now i understand what people mean by: life sucks out the goodness in you until all that is left is just selfish indifference to others.

i don't want to be like that. but i don't know what to do.

assignments driving me a lil bit disturbed.

the need to do well is warring with the need to lie low and just go with the flow of grp dynamics.

sometimes i just need to take in a deep breath and chilllll out.

sometimes i wish i could just be someone else, someone more frank and direct.

i'm just a really distressed ball of emotions. i need a good book. and a hot mug of something yummy.

bye.

2010-07-30T02:26:00.002+08:00

Dearest Diary,

I can't seem to sleep and it's already 2:27AM! Just a little more than four hours to sleep before is rise and shine and the dreaded morning lecture. It's ethics class tomorrow and I really don't like attending it, but I've got to. It's not only because I well...have to attend since I'm supposed to, but also because I've got mel's stuff that I need to pass to him. Poor boy is doing army reservice now, he wakes up so early and comes to class before going back for more workouts(or whatever he does).

I feel negative. I feel like my nerves are tied up in dead knots deep in my chest cavity. pfft.

Today wasn't a bad day at all. Went to the movies with wy and actually got free tickets from this really kind lady! She was queuing up six or more people ahead of us, but she chose to give the free tickets to us. I guess we really look like poor students. Time to rethink the slippers shorts and tee school attire. Not that I'm complaining though! Despicable me was a great movie, really funny and entertaining.

On an embarrassing note, my extremely tight jeans shorts finally gave way. YES. I know. The zipper exploded when I yanked it off. Had to get new shorts, which is a great thing. I found really great fitting dark denim shorts from forever 21 at a cheap price! It's only $23. But I still miss my faded demins. Sigh. Well, to cheer myself up, at least I went down one pants size. teehee. It's really false comfort, because I think the shorts cutting was big. oh well, better than nothing.

I need to get some exercise. Seriously. I feel wobbly jiggly everywhere and it's grossing me out. Time to start swimming and toning up those muscles, or lack thereof.

Wow, a five minute blabber really helps me. I feel sleepy now, plus my nerves feel settled. I guess nothing works as well as talking myself to sleep. However weird that sounds, it sure is effective.

Love,

Hannah.

2010-07-26T17:46:00.003+08:00

In SM class now.

I've not been blogging for the last.. week or so?

It's a good thing I guess.

I realize that whenever I don't blog, it either means thats I'm just busy or it means that it's a peaceful time in my life. I'm still not thaat busy now. I guess, I'm reveling in peace now. haha. I'm feeling that for once in a very long time, I'm not swamped with issues, be it relationships, friends or family.

And I kinda like this feeling.=)

I'm finally able to have some downtime.

It feels like I can finally relax.

woots.

On a side note. My stupid msn messenger has been infected with an apparently very smart virus. At least 4 friends have been messaging me on facebook and asking me whether it's really me. The virus replies them. REPLIES. it doesn't just leave some stupid spam message. So, if 'I' ask you to do some IQ test, DON'T DO IT. I don't know where this virus came from, I'm really careful to not click on spam links. So it's really weird. I reinstalled the whole msn, so i hope its okay now.

RMB! don't click the links!

Alright. Time to pay attention to class.

When I feel like it, I'll blog about my genting trip.

Toodles!

2010-07-16T09:20:00.004+08:00

I'm in class now.

My ethics and governance lecturer is hilarious.

His voice is very.. high pitched. He sounds like his erm.. round things are constantly being squeezed. hahahhahahhah!

He says: ROGER? when he wants to get your attention. It's really getting on my nerves! There he goes again, for the eighth time! And it's only an hour into the lecture.

He's the best example of the typical singlish man. Coupled with the high roller coaster voice, it is so funny!

Anyway, I'm starving.

And tired!

I'm known for my packing skills. I take forever to pack. So now, I'm getting slightly panicked.

Gosh, my tummy is gonna give a very manly roar soon.

I didn't get to dream last night, I didn't even get much sleep. 3 hours tops.

So the dream catalog will have to wait. Melvin my interpretor for these weird dreams will also have to wait. hahahha.

I'm going to stop multi tasking and pay full attention to him.

Later!

2010-07-15T23:25:00.002+08:00

hello all.

last night, when me and jt were sitting around while the guys were starting the fire, someone popped a beer open and the cap flew into her lap! the guy was sitting really far away! we were laughing and saying that if only one can be so lucky and strike 4D. she said that it cant be possible. and then went on to say that she really did buy 4D that afternoon, but AIYA WONT BE SO LUCKY.

SIGH.

that lucky gal struck the 3rd prize.

LOL. AMAZINGLY WEIRD.

and we were just talking about it last night!!!!!!

creepy. hahhaha.

I'm leaving for genting tmrw night.

classes tmrw at 8:30AM. gosh. break for like 3 hours. and then marketing class at 3.30PM.

such weird timings. melvin is bringing his monopoly deck of cards, we're gonna do some printing too.

i've gotta sleep soon.

class afterall, is so friggin early.

and i need to vomit out my thoughts some where, before they suffocate me.

i need to pack too. and i need to repaint my nails.

so much to do! so little time!

alright. gots to go.

bye and night!

2010-07-15T13:54:00.002+08:00

my back was aching so badly last night.

despite the exhaustion, i felt all twitchy and couldn't fall asleep.

so i tried to find the best position.

took 10 mins before even the aches couldn't stop the exhaustion from dragging me into dream world!

i had an idea last night.

i always have dreams that i can remember, and they always bother me somehow.

i thought that writing down these dreams would be good.

so i think whenever i can remember my dreams, i'll create a dream catalog.

it'll be fun reading back through all the weird dreams i have.

i feel like someone chewed and spat me out.

eyes puffy, back amazingly still aching, neck stiff, tummy feels like a cranky washing machine.

i don't think i'm going for class.

although for once, if i start preparing now, i won't be late.

i find that rather ironic. hahhaha

anyway, i'm going to watch some shows and chill out.

toodles.

2010-07-15T04:42:00.002+08:00

I just got home.

exhausted.

we went prawning!

it was fun=)

my back is aching really bad.

i think should go to sleep.

i've got class tmrw at 3.30pm. but i dont know whether i wanna go.

anyway, i'll update tmrw.

need to dry my hair and jump, more like crawl into bed. haha.

good night!

2010-07-14T00:23:00.002+08:00

i went for my swim. i wore my new red swim suit.

it's a pretty one peice! it fits well except my butt area. lol! it seems a lil too tight. i think i put on weight! on my butt! gasp.

i feel slightly self conscious about it, that's why i wear it only at night. hahha.

maybe i'll swim tmrw too. i've been slacking way too much.

after swimming, i came home, cooked maggi and ate a lot of haagen daz.

sigh, what is the use of exercising if i keep on eating like this?

hahhha.

i'm getting a little tummy upset from the ice cream.

maybe i ate too much ice cream.

i never knew there was such a thing as too much haagen daz.

school is at the crazy timing of 3.30-6.30pm tmrw.

i hate taking peak hour buses!

it's always super full, and there are always smelly school kids around.

yes yes i know. i was a smelly school kid once.

but really, now i truly understand why people always gave school kids the look.

after that i'll be having dinner with my marketing grp mates=)

and then, it's time for some night activity!

prawning with yy and jt and maybe sihao(he's still recovering from falling sick).

omg i'll totally be an oversized light bulb if its just us three.

not that it bothers me much. haha!

anyway, i just painted my nails and used this quick dry spray i bought in hongkong.

i absolutely love this spray.

it's so gooood!

the one thing i don't like about painting nails is waiting for it to dry.

so having the nails almost dried is heaven sent!=)

anyway, i'm gonna be sleeping soon.

although class is late, i wanna wake up early to exercise!

good night all.

"i miss you hun so please reply my texts! i'm not an ugly ogre(not that there's anything bad abt that) so you don't have to avoid me. and i still owe you a pancake cake thingy. lovelovelove"

2010-07-13T20:27:00.001+08:00

i'm going for a swim.

on impulse.

yup.

i think i need some exercise.

toodles!

2010-07-13T03:05:00.002+08:00

hmm.

yes i'm thinking.

i need melvin lum.

MELVIN LUM WHERE ARE YOU?

i think even mr lum will shake his head at me.

i feel a page long rambling word vomit coming.

but i just can't seem to pen it down.

how people view you, is mostly based on the things that you do. and what you do, really shows what kind of a person you are. so i should stay on track and not go through another hell of a complicated mess. this time i'm sure it'll be even messier than anything that i've gone through before. so i should just stop and do the things that society dictates is right and approves of. being yourself never really works out. because what if, being yourself actually really equals to being 'loose'. that can't be right. can it?

people always pass harsher judgments on others than what they really deserve. this is how it works. and these people have no right to do so. but like i said, this is how it works. and i'm terrified of such judgments. i admit it. who isn't? only a footloose free hippie chick would really not bother what others think. we literally live by such judgments. it is so stifling sometimes.

'hannah you can't do that!' 'hannah you should carry yourself well' 'hannah you need to accomplish something, you need to be successful' ' 'hannah sit up straight' 'hannah elbows off the table' 'hannah you're fat, lose some weight!' 'hannahhannahhannah! stop that, do this!'

it deflates whatever confidence i have, and it's tough to just live up to certain expectations.

it just goes on and on. the pressure of rules and social norms sometimes threaten to suck the life out of me.

so much blah blah in my head. can't type it down, it'll shock the masses.

ahhh well.

i should be sleeping soon.

like now.

i'll sleep on it.

maybe tmrw it'll all be clear to me.

highly unlikely, but one can always hope.

goodnight.

2010-07-12T19:06:00.002+08:00

monday!

i've got no school today, i think i had a weird dream last night, OH WAIT. it wasn't a dream.

my oh my.

OH MY.

hahaha.

anyway.

once again, i'm gonna whine.

where have allllllll those lost friends gone to?

REPLY MY TEXTS, REPLY MY EMAILS. =/

i care for you, and i'm worried.

right now, i dont know whether you're even alive!

and that's seriosuly bad.

i'm gonna continuously post this once in awhile, so you can see it when you actually read my blog.

to my 'other' well non friends a.k.a the abjured,

well i have nth to say to you.

that's abt right.

anyway, i'm gonna shower and deep condition my horrid looking dry ends hair.

toodles!

2010-07-11T00:23:00.003+08:00

a long long long day for me today.

started at 6:30 am this morning, just getting home at 11:30pm.

me and jt shopped the whole day, the flea was bleh-ingly disappointing. so we moved on the 313, ion, bugis street then bugis junction. fleas are just not our thing! it's crowded with loads of people pushing and shoving, taller fiercer looking gals giving you that stay away look, and it's just so darn hot! it was difficult searching for hidden treasures when you've gotta keep on trying to not block other people's way.

i'm so tired now. my tummy is giving me problems, i feel nauseous. must be the tomyum soup i had for dinner. yiyu graciously(haha) sent me home. his driving is well.. rather exciting. not in a good way for my upset stomach. hahahha.

the gathering this evening got cancelled because huiling fell sick, nurhaha couldn't make it. so i thought that postponing it to another day would be better.

i spent too much money today.

on food, on clothes, on bags, on accessories and other stuff.

sigh, i'm gonna be broke for the next week in school.

anyway, i'm extremely tired now.

need to go and sleep. hopefully, without the tossing and turning.

the jab on my arm is slightly swollen, and it's annoying.

i'm just gonna plop on my good arm and snooze.

night night everyone.

2010-07-10T12:20:00.000+08:00

I slept so little last night it's obscene.
sigh. i can curl up into a ball now and fall asleep in less than a minute.

my arm was sore last night, but the worst was that i was feeling flushed. i think it's a side effect of the jab, kept on tossing and turning even though i felt so tired.

finance class this morning was pretty alright, i didn't nod off at all. i like this lecturer, too bad he's going back to melbourne already.

i'm so tiredddd!
slept a max of 2 hours over a span of 6 hours. the rest was tossing and turning.
ugh.

i've still got a long long day ahead of me.
meeting jt at one, so i'd better go get ready soon.
we're going to a flea! my ankle is giving me problems, but for shopping i'll walk through the pain. haha.
after that we'll be meeting our sec school classmates for dinner!=)
glad we're still meeting up even after graduating from compassvale.

anyway, time to get ready, bye!

2010-07-09T20:27:00.002+08:00

OW MY ARM HURTS.

yes, i just got my vaccine shot. and i'm getting suspiciously nauseous. i sound like sucha weakling!

okay, enough whining.

i'm going to wash up and get ready to go to bed.

hahhaa yeah, my getting-ready-to-go-to-bed routine usually takes around 2 hours. because i read. hahha. plus, my class is at 8.30am tmrw. frigging 8.30 on a saturday! so, have to get to bed early.

good night!

2010-07-09T01:21:00.003+08:00

hello everyone.

my first day of finance lessons today.

it was alright, pretty easy to grasp. the last time i took finance was a couple of years ago, but i still can rmb parts of it.

anyway, an extremely short post today, i'm really sleepy!

GOSH, just realized that tmrw i've gotta go for my cervical cancer jab. i hate jabs!!!!!!!! like i said before, not afraid of needles or anything, i'm perfectly okay with that, just don't like vaccine jabs because they leave my arm feeling bruised for the next couple of days.

goodnight everyone!

cast away any worries you have, let the night lull you to sleep. take comfort in this escape, no matter how short. just rest.

2010-07-07T23:12:00.004+08:00

i bought my first pair of lens today.
it's supposed to be coloured lenses. on my small and black pupils, it looks like it's black. lol!
it's slightly uncomfortable. but i'm getting used to it.
the stick-my-finger-in-my-eye part is reallly easy peasy for me, since i'm so used to having to take out my eyelashes that fall in. it's the blinking part that annoys me. it feels like there's something under my lids, well, because there is something there.

hahah oh well.

i don't know whether i should open the other one, the other one i bought was more brown. but you never know until you actually try it on your eyes.

anyway, i went out with jt today, it was so fun! we just went shopping. doing the usual stuff, like eating cheap so we can spend the saved money for clothes and what not. hahahha. we were people watching, that was really funny. plus, jt left her bags of shopping at the spectacle shop, and we only realized she had her bags missing when we were going home! so we rushed all the way back to the other end of vivo city. luckily it was there and the shop wasn't closed yet. hahhaha. all in all, we just had a crazy gals day out.

i'm feeling realy sleepy, not too sure wheher it's because of the lens, or because i'm just tired. tmrw's lesson is at 3:30PM, crazy class timings.

yawwwwwwn.

YAWN.
tired.

i've been feeling in the dumps for the last few days, i guess it's because i've been too free, my thoughts are allowed to run like little suger surging hyperactive kids. it's no use to think of the have beens. it's no use to think of the 'ifs'. because it's most likely that it wouldn't happen when there's an 'if' involved.

alright, i'm going to bed soon. sleep well everyone.

2010-07-06T18:43:00.002+08:00

Smile, though your heart is aching,
Smile, even though it's breaking,
When there are clouds in the sky you'll get by,
If you smile through your pain and sorrow,

Smile, and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through- For you.
Light up your face with gladness,
Hide every trace of sadness,
Although a tear may be ever so near,
That's the time you must keep on trying,
Smile, What's the use of crying,
You'll find that life is still worthwhile,
If you just smile.

I'm not feeling too good today, can't explain this suffocating feeling. I just woke up and felt extremely depressed. I remember snippets of the dream I had last night, maybe that's why.

I'm going to pamper myself now. Some facemasks, a couple of movies, that should do the trick.
toodles.

2010-07-05T22:02:00.003+08:00

Hey everyone.

I've been submerging myself in books again, thus the lack of entries.
First day of school last Thursday

After class, it was raining heavily! I didn't like getting my sandals all squishy with dirty water, but the ride in the bus was comforting.=)

Wanying and I went to Orchard for some shopping and eating.
Bought lots of books, ate lots of yami yoghurt and had a heavy dinner at ambush. A great day!

Eclipse with GB last Friday

The movie was alright, haha. I enjoyed it of course, but it wasn't really fantastic. I guess it's all my crazy emotions that make my judgement pretty subjective. I don't know, it just makes me uncomfortable seeing a couple so in love. It made my old wounds weep blood, so to say. lol, yes, i've been reading my books way too often. But I truly felt uncomfortable. sigh. I felt like curling up in bed with a good book and a hot mug of tea.
My new series of books includes a lot of english literature and fantasy. It's really good. haha.

Rimmel make up session with JT last Saturday

We had so much fun!!!!!!!!!! Although I would have to say, most of the things they taught, I already knew, but it was still some gal pal fun while we played with the cosmetics. hahaha.

Weiguang's Birthday celebration

I met up with wanying, kajie, huiyi and guang yesterday for lunch at Shokudo. YES, they finally managed to drag my butt to KBOX and sing for them. LOL. sigh, I concede defeat. Too bad I couldn't read chinese words that well, if not I'm sure they would have chosen many more songs for me to sing. hahhaa. So I stuck to english songs. haha. Okay, I admit it, it was rather fun. AND BOY CAN WEIGUANG SING. He's really good, and he sat beside me, the world's most horrible singer. hahhaha.

So I've been rather busy, plus, I've been filling up whatever available time reading. That leaves very little sleep time left. I'm pleased to say I slept like a real pig last night. haha. A total of 11 hours. woohoo for me.
I'm going back to my books now, toodles!

2010-07-03T01:48:00.002+08:00

wow, i haven't blogged in a couple of days!
cool.

hahha.

so school has started.
it's tough getting back to routine days.
i've been losing sleep reading, again.
hahah.

i haven't been excercising.
bad bad bad.
no way am i returning to that big blob of mass i was.

life is unfair.
yes yes, no matter how tired this phrase is because it has been used a zillion times, it is true.
everyone has issues( i don't like this word) in life.
for me, it ranges basically from my weight and self image, a crappy leg, no reason emo moments, to random stuff like being broke but still having cash to shop(go figure).

ENVY. such a dangerous thing. i believe it is one of the most risky trappy things humans can fall into based on their own doing. why do people envy? it only makes you feel terrible because you basically feel you are missing something. i think its a form of compulsion. i often catch myself in the middle of envying people and feeling guilty because of wishful thinking. it is something that's not good for mental health since it makes you go all jealous and guilty and envious at the same time.

so basically, what i wanna say is that watch out and rein in that envy. it's unhealthy.
be thankful. i think i've written this before. so it must be pretty important. haha. from time to time, be thankful for the things you already have, it keeps you grounded. to me, it also returns a sense of happiness and innocence, it reminds me of how i used to be. simpler, more naive but happier. and it makes me smile to feel a little of what has been lost.

"because we are broken, what must we do to restore our innocence?"

things were definitely less complicated in the past yea? from now, it can only get worse(stifling a big sigh). but if this is what life is, then i'm living it.

if life hands you lemons....... i would make a lemon tart. teehee. hahhaha.

okay, it's time to go to bed.
sorry dearest bed, it's been a while since i laid down for more than 4 hours.
i need more time with it.
haha. night guys.

2010-06-29T23:53:00.003+08:00

I want some yami yoghurt.
I think I'm addicted. haha.

Mom and I shared a jumbo cup on sunday. We wanted the take home pack, but we just ate lunch.

Some photos jt and I took yesterday.
She bought a japanese magazine with really nice stuff inside! It was fun to flip through.
We walked around orchard, shopped and shopped and had dinner at bugis.
It was a great day out!=)

I'll miss her when she goes back.

"We made a deal ages ago, men, babies, it doesn't matter, we're soulmates"
i love this quote from sex and the city 2.

2010-06-29T19:52:00.003+08:00

I'm having trouble not getting annoyed at my mom. hmmm. It's getting more and more difficult.I need to get a grip on my temper.

A stronger Hannah= more bitterness, more anger, more opinionated, less happiness, less forgiving, less satisfied.
On the other hand, I've learnt how to stand up for myself, to be more confident, to help inspire others.

Is it worth it?

I don't know just yet.
I guess only time will tell.

2010-06-28T02:42:00.002+08:00

I went to new creation church today.
Had the chance of seeing Pastor Prince carry out a sermon. It was an experience. He exudes so much charisma it just makes the audience listening to him naturally want to learn more. The way he preaches makes it easy to understand, it's put in a way that people would find very reasonable and believable. Even in my sleep depreived state of mind, I didn't even doze off at all throughout the hour long sermon. The praise and worship was good as usual, but most importantly, I feel that the sermon has rejuvenated minds.

I think that's amazing.

Besides that, I went shopping with mom for a lil while. Until I couldn't take it anymore. I was wobbly on my feet. Went home, slept at around 5PM, and woke up at 12AM. hahha. So, I'm completely awake now. I can hear my brothers and qianling outside watching soccer. haha. I hope they don't wake my daddy up.

I'm meeting jt at kovan tmrw! weeeee. I can't wait to see her=)

School's starting in a couple of days, oh well, it's another semester of mugging and craziness. Anyway, I'm going out to join them for soccer. Bye!

2010-06-27T05:07:00.005+08:00

yes i'm still awake.
lol. 2 more hours to sleep. more like a cat nap.

anyway, i spent my last couple of waking hours drawing.
i really want to learn how to use water colour, it's not easy at all.
the colours come out washed out and very annoyingly blotchy.

i tried drawing some flowers, with some help from an outline drawing from online.

Then I started drawing in the lines, quite a bit of work, but it was pretty fun.

And then I started shading in the colours, before I used water to create a wash.

I colored in the background, then did another wash and used an ink art pen to start shading lines. That's my favorite part! I love line drawing.

After some photo editting. I would have loved for it to look like this, more contrast and a deeper colour. Plus I think I've gotta work on the baclground, I just coloured that in because I thought it was too bland.

Overall, although quite amatuerish looking, I think I did an alright job. I'm happy!
Because, it's my first 'real effort' art work since forever.
I drew something a few days ago, it was just for fun.

Haha, a classic drawing need a hill in it.

I'm definitely going to draw more, mostly flowers I guess. I love drawing flowers.
Gosh, I'm feeling tired.

I think it's caffeine for me tmrw, or well, technically today.
Photos from dinner!

GB in his army duds. haha.

Anyway, I'm gonna sleep now. I mean, nap now.
toodles.

2010-06-27T01:07:00.002+08:00

Impromptu supper with gb, tt and wendee at al ameen in woodlands.
This is the first time I've been there, the butter naan is really good!
yummy.
It was fun catching up. =)

I'm going to church tmrw, service is at 9! That means I've gotta be up by 7.
So I guess it's best I sleep early. Like that's even possible. It's already 1 and I don't even feel tired!
Haha. Oh well.
I'll just be a walking zombie tmrw.

JT is back! Can't wait to see her on monday!=D
LOTS OF UPDATES. haha.
I'm glad she's back, I miss having her crazy butt around. haha.

I need a new phone. My grandpa phone has run its course, and it's reallly cranky nowadays.

Anyway, it seems like I won't be the only walking zombie tmrw, my mom is still up frying sausages and mushrooms to put in the croissants she bought. hahha. She's been smacking us because me and my brother have been picking off the mushrooms whenever we go into the kitchen. hahhaha.

Anyway, it's time to go watch some movies and shows. I'm starting with CSI. season one! hahaha.
catch ya later!

2010-06-25T23:39:00.003+08:00

I just got home.

Met up with wanying for dinner at swensen's and dessert at secret recipe.

I don't know what is up with me, but I still feel hungry.

I'm really bored too.

Nothing to do when it's late at night. sigh.

Anyway, we went to secret recipe and ordered tiramisu and double scoop ice cream. The ice cream came in a cup FULL of whipped cream. Usually, I would just leave that out, but this time, the whipped cream tasted really good! It's a bad thing because whipped cream is realllllly fattening. Not that it really bothered me while I scooped and ate and ate and ate spoonful after spoonful of whipped cream. hahha.

I'm feeling hungry.

I want yami yoghurt.

It was already closed by the time we finished our dessert. =(

Anyway. I went a lil photo crazy.

Hahha. I'M REALLY BORED.

Black and white

Before

After I went icon mad. haha.

Photoscape is really better than I expected.

Anyone who knows me knows that in my free time, I love to play around with different programs for fun. So, I just randomly click and it's so fun! It's easy to use, and it's free.

Anyway, like I said, I'm hungry.

Time to go hunt for some food.

Toodles!

2010-06-23T00:52:00.002+08:00

Honesty is such a lonely word.

Everyone is so untrue.

Honesty is hardly ever heard.

And mostly what I need from you.

2010-06-22T22:03:00.003+08:00

hello all.

i met up with guobin today, had a great time!

we ate at canton i, went for tea at jones, and watched sex and the city 2! i liked the movie=)

we gossiped, laughed, visited the toilet many times, gaped at fashion disasters. all in a day's work! hahha.

i discussed issues with him, i thought i was being too sensitive or maybe crazy, but nope. he thought it was understandable that i was feeling that way. so hey! i'm not overly sensitive.

men and their pride. must i say more?

i am done. done with all that male testosterone fueled pride.

throw it out the window, i don't care, swallow it if y'all have to!

this applies to so many of my guy issues.

what i'll do when that day comes, i don't know yet.

nothing is definite, nothing ever stays the same.

i need to know why, i need to hear it straight from you.

for once, just tell me the truth face to face.

stop leaving me here hanging, high and dry.

	angela aki - kiss me goodbye .mp3

	Found at bee mp3 search engine

Anyway, i'm going watch some movies i've been wanting to catch.

later, alligator.

2010-06-21T21:53:00.002+08:00

I met up with Sihao today. We had lunch at food for thought and drinks at coffee bean. It was an eventful day and I'm happy for him.

I woke up this morning and I had no hangover! Just had a slightly puffy face and that's all. So all's well.

I'm gonna meet guobin tmrw, no idea where we're going though. I still haven't thought of it.

I am not feeling too well, stomach is rather queasy, and plus I've got a lot to think abt. I'd rather not think though. I just want some peace. It's difficult to not care and be emotionless because I am who I am. But I see the end soon, and I'm not giving up just yet.

There's no turning back, it'll be like pouring raindrops back into a cloud. I remember these lyrics from a Carrie underwood song.

Darn, my ankle is giving me problems. It's like the bones are slightly out of line. ugh. It's not exactly painless, it's highly uncomfortable. And I can't find my ankle brace! It's been missing for awhile now.ahhhhh. It's painful when the ankle bends while walking so I'm limping around the house like a cripple!

sigh. It usually goes away in the morning. Most probably because I walked a lil too much today. I guess I'll just have to rest the ol' leg tonight.

I'm going to watch some shows now.

bye!

2010-06-21T00:52:00.002+08:00

BEERFEST ASIA!

WOOHOO.

DRINK DRANK DRUNK.

that's me now.

i'm having trouble typing.

time to sleep.

GOOD NIGHT ALL.

2010-06-19T19:32:00.002+08:00

I guess it's difficult.
Difficult to understand, difficult to carry out, difficult to stick to it.

Anyway, Genting trip's all booked!
yippie.
Joel's coming along this time, it's been eons(not literally) since we've gone on a trip together!
We're gonna take transtar there, the first class solitaire bus that looks reaaaally comfy. but that's for the return trip only. because we're going to genting at night, the only buses they have are the midranged ones. Well, I've heard many bad reviews and stuff, but I hope everything goes smoothly on our trip.=)

School's starting soon.
1st july is when the madness will begin once again. I'm dreading school. sigh.
It's time to start up the engine and study again.

Anyway, I'm feeling rather mopey.
nothing much to do, and nothing to keep my attention.
I feel rested. But I feel restless.

Trying to figure where I placed my latest charlain harris book. hmm.
Maybe I'll go and watch some shows.
I watched Cold Mountain with my brother last night and I got depressed.
It's such a beautiful movie.

Yup, so off I go.
Bye.

2010-06-18T15:27:00.002+08:00

I often think about the things I've done. It's not happy at all. I feel that what I've done seems to push everyone away from me. Sooner or later, I'll be all alone. I made the choices to put that course into action. It's a form of reflex, a protection reflex I have whenever it feels like it's getting to much. Necessary? Or just a shallow excuse to protect myself? I think it's partly both.

It makes me cringe whenever I think of all the things I've said and the things I had to do at that point of time. It's not easy on anyone, and I always feel inside, something is yanked out by the roots whenever I have to be firm and strong. I'm tired of being strong, of always being the one who stands her ground. But I have to. It's the way to survival. I'm tired of always having to push people off because it's the right thing to do. I'm so sick of it.

I'm always the bad guy, I'm always the bitch.

But I'm not all that. If I were really a vindictive selfish person, I would have loved to see those around me suffer, especially men. I wouldn't have gone to the extent to explain, to try my best to comfort, even if it is coming from me. I would have just gone along with the program, and then viciously break it off whenever I felt it was becoming too tedious for me.

I try to be me. I look out for my friends because I care. But my faith is shaken, because people choose to shut me out. And that hurts, let me reiterate that, it hurts extremely bad. The 'no word from' is the worst. Because I don't know whether you're okay, not okay, or even alive. It's like I'm trying to communicate to no one in particular.

Anyway, I'm feeling better now that I've got that off my chest.

To my estranged friends, I don't know what to do. I just hope things will get better.

byebye.

2010-06-17T23:47:00.002+08:00

i dont like jurong at night.

it's creepy.

teeming with old uncles and chinese middle aged men just boring their eyes into you.

they prowl the streets at night, sitting at dark corners and waiting at corridors.

freaky.

i was at jurong with my mama just now.

she went for her dental appointment and i went ahead to the supermarket to get groceries.

when i was walking into the supermart, i sensed this chinese guy in his late 30s stop to stare at me, i felt that he wanted to talk to me, so naturally, i ignored him. haha.

went into the supermarket, felt slightly safer because it's not as dim lit as the outside.

then i went ahead with my shopping.

after walking a few aisles, i realized he was following me!!!!!!

in his hands were a few packets of strawberries, i didn't think he would actually buy them, he was just pretending to shop.

i was at the instant noodles section looking through the different selections, from my peripheral view i saw him facing me and just staring. FREAKY. i pretended to not notice and just carry on with my shopping. i tried dilly dallying to test whether he's really following me, he just stood there. omg. it was pretty creepy, and i didn't know what to do. i was alone, with a big trolley that i had with me, so no escape. i didn't know who to call, mom wasn't picking up, so i just decided ignoring him, and staying in the brightly lit supermart was the best choice.

i felt so vulnerable.

the feeling is really crappy.

after walking around, i thought i lost him.

so i happily carried on looking through the aisles.

after turning round the corner, THERE HE WAS AGAIN.

gosh.

this time, he went up to me and asked me to be his 'friend' in chinese.

i said no OF COURSE.

he kept on persisting and kept on asking why. my chinese was rather inadequate to scold him off, so i just kept on saying. finally i said: it's because you're way too old. LOL! it just came out of my mouth. if he was speaking english i would have just said: go away, and leave me alone. or i'll scream.

really scary.

anyway, as expected, he was just pretending to shop, he returned whatever he was holding.

lol. there really are some WEIRD ppl at jurong. really desperate.

i had an adventure tonight, now i'm reaaaally tired.

i need to think of ways to protect myself.

hmm. pepper spray is illegal.

so what can gals use to protect themselves?

i've gotta think about that.

anyway, i made cheesecake today. lots of stuff went wrong. lol.

i've tried to rectify the problems, so we'll see tmrw whether things work out.

nightnight!

2010-06-17T01:45:00.002+08:00

hello all.

i spent the entire day rotting at home.

after a 2 day run rush dash everywhere with joycelyn, i felt kinda lost when i finally had the time to just laze. haha.

i'll post up some photos of the stuff we baked soon!

my family has lots of doubts about my baking abilty, but after the cheescakes, and the okkkay egg tarts we made, they're starting to trust my baking skills. hahha. my big brother even requested another cheesecake! so i'm going to the supermart to get the ingredients and other things we need in the house. i feel very housewife/home maker like.=)

also, mum, dad, me and joy(and maybe even joel) are going to genting!

after me and joy voiced that we really missed the genting trips we used to go on, we're going down memory lane again! it was sorta like a family tradition to go to genting. we went at least twice a year until about 8 years ago.

we should be going on th 17th of july, and mum gave me official permission to skip class. teehee. since everybody's schedule clashed, i decided to be the good person and give in. hahahhaha.

anyway, i'm gonna sleep now.

toodles everyone.

2010-06-15T00:02:00.002+08:00

SLEEP OVER!

we are so tired.

met joycelyn at somerset at 10. then we went for breakfast at coffee bean! yummy. joy suddenly had an idea, we could make a no bake cheese cake! no bake because my oven is really too unreliable and erratic for baking. so off we went to shop at cold storage, got blueberries and it was fun!

went home, made the crust and the cheese part. then we went swimming! sighhh. it's really bad luck. once we were going out of the house it started clouding over.-_-|||||||| and the whole day the sun had been really hot!!! except that hour.

we had to get out of the pool because it started drizzling a lil.

after that, we had lunch, and then left the house for compasspoint! i met koonlong at compasspoint. i just knew that i would meet someone there!! had that strange feeling. hahha. there's another cold storage there, and we suddenly had another burst of inspiration. we decided to cook tortellini! had no recipe, so we just went with our instincts.

in our tortellini, we had thickly cut mushrooms(very juicy), shaved honey baked ham, roasted bell peppers, the tomato puree as a base, cheddar and mozzarella cheese, and of course, the packaged fresh tortellini stuffed with ricotta and roasted garlic. YUM in my tummy!

it turned out really good. =))

the cheesecake gelatin REFUSED to set, so we had to redo the top layer twice. finally, it set, although it's still kinda soft. the cheesecake turned out better than expected! since there's no baking, it's rather easy.

i'm extremely exhausted now.

need to get to bed soon.

good night everyone.

2010-06-13T22:03:00.002+08:00

I'm exhausted.

Maybe that's why after vacuuming the whole room, after the adrenaline rush of lifting the deceptively small but heavy vacuum cleaner, I'm feeling in the dumps.

My day started at 7AM. Waking and going to new creation church at suntec. After the really good service, I went to lunch with joy while shirleen and the rest went to meet uncle bernard and fam. I waited for my parents' service to end and I went to meet up with them at raffles city so we could walk over to SRC. Had lunch at SRC, shopped a lil at raffles city. Face shop is having a discount! So we bought.. quite a bit of stuff.

Went home. Meeting wanying on wed instead.

So I'm really tired. head feels heavy.

My head is just set on auto pilot. It's like not being to shield as I would usually do so when I see something that might make me moody. I was packing. And I had to go through lots of old stuff. Lots of memories. Necklaces, chains, boxes, photos, even medicine. I stupidly tried on one of the necklaces, and it was instant. Like drowning in the ocean without even realizing the waves have swept me away. I now have a box filled with not only my jewelery but stuff from my past relationships.

After that, everything went downhill. If a heart could physically plummet into the base of the organ repository, mine did, again and again.

I think it's not safe to think in this auto pilot mode. Not only is it difficult to form coherent thoughts, but the thoughts are circled around the plot of self bashing and lots of negativity.

"..I wonder what was up your sleeve..was there a motive all along?..dinner..comforting words..undivided attention..promises..then all the lines were blurred..and my world just veered and a mess was created.."

"..Gosh I was really not thinking right, and the decision making part of my brain must have really blown up.."

".. Words are only words.. WORDS.. I realize your actions and words don't match.. although I would love to instantly believe otherwise..that's how easily fooled I am.."

"..all the mind screwing has to stop.. there needs to be a follow up action.. stop leaving me hanging all the time.."

Have to wake up early tmrw, meeting joy at somerset at 10 for brunch.

Looking forward to the sleepover tmrw night.

Bad night tonight, but i'm gonna sleep it over.

Good night.

2010-06-11T22:43:00.002+08:00

got home about an hour ago.

stayed at joy's place last night. we had fun!

i made up her face, and her hair. haha.

then we baked chocolate mini cakes and a chifon cake.

yummy!

after that we went out to vivo to walk around.

then, sensen brought us out for dinner at the abc market. very good claypot rice!

they sent me home and stayed for coffee and lots of laughs. haha.

joy is coming over on monday to stay at my place for a change!

i still have to figure out where she's gonna sleep though. hahha.

for tmrw, i'm going out with my mom.

i'm feeling extremely tired. didnt sleep very well last night, plusssss, at 7 plus in the morning sensen woke me up for breakfast. wooooooow. i was so dizzy. hahhaa. but i kinda like waking early. by the time it was 2pm, it felt like the whole day had passed already. it's quite a nice feeling. hahhaha

sunday i'm meeting joy for church at suntec city.

have to be there by 8.40am. so i think i should continue this sleep cycle.

anyway, i'm gonna go to bed soon.

sleep tight everyone.

2010-06-09T20:54:00.002+08:00

I'm pooped.

I feel so out of touch with the world.

I guess that signals the end of solitude for me.

All my gal pals and guy pals, I'm ready to stop staying cooped up at home.

It's time to get out and about.

I made a deal with myself awhile back, and it's getting harder for me to stick to it.

I'm tempted to break it, but for now, I'm just gonna sit back.

A month back or so, I said that it was no more. That was it.

"i said: last time, no more.
and i meant it.
so.
no more."

It's getting hard for me to stick to my word now.

Why would you do this to me? I don't understand.

One moment, you're in my life, and the next, poof. You're gone.

It's not a painless process. If you do this to everyone around you, I guess you don't know how much you're hurting them.

I've been doing lots of thinking, not voluntarily.

It's just that when you're alone, your mind just wanders.

I think of the people around me and their lives.

I think of all the mistakes I've made. The pile just keeps rising higher and higher.

Regret.

Such a dynamic group destroyed by a moment of folly. One of the best times of my life. I had it bad, but in return, I had it good too. And I was fortunate to have such friends. Now, everything is in shambles. Maybe it's time for some repatch work.

Mistakes.

Every step I've taken has led me to where I am now, a mess.

The single meetups, the one on one time, the undivided attention.

It just doesn't work out with some people.

The MIA people.

Where are you people? It wouldn't hurt me so much if I didn't care that much about your wellbeing. And the truth is, I am only human, I still feel hurt no matter how okay I make myself believe I am.

Melmel, I miss you. I hope you're doing great in SF. COME BACK SOON. The sunny island of Singapore awaits you.

Wanying, See you on sunday. I've missed you!

JT, work hard on those assignments! When you get back we'll have some fun! And lots of gal time. =))

Everyone else, I'll see ya when I see ya. God, I hate that line. Okay, everyone else, just text me if you wanna meet up! I'm officially out of self exile.=D

I'm going out with my mommy tmrw night for Karate Kid! Auntie sweehiang had extra tickets! And I'll be seeing Joy there, since it is a kinda extended family thing. haha. yayness.

I'll most prolly be staying over at her place too.

Maybe we'll do some baking! She wants to write a recipe book. hahah.

alright, i'm gonna go pack some clothes and stuff.

toodles.

2010-06-07T22:57:00.014+08:00

MACAU AND HONG KONG

I'm already missing hongkong. Macau? Not so much. hahha. It's really for gamblers and it's not my thing. Our whole group consisted of four families, dad me and mum, auntie doreen uncle jimmy and caleb, auntie julia and rueul, auntie linda and her sister and uncle ian.We started off our trip at Changi airport at 11, our flight was at 1 PM.

Caleb and I at the airport

he's showing me the gap in his teeth because his tooth just dropped out!

Reuel and I at the check in counter

He's a cute boy with an abundance of energy, sometimes he's uber sweet, sometimes he drives me crazy. That's Reuel for you. Haha.

On the plane

Reuel and Auntie Julia took up only 2 of the 3 seats. Another passenger sat beside Reuel on the flight to Macau. He's Reuel's new found friend! Haha, it's so funny because Reuel can really make friends with anybody. It turns out that his new friend is so much like Reuel. Really talkative, really friendly. The photo shows both of them playing their DS together. Yes, he has one too. Haha.

Mum, dad and I on the plane

I got the window seat. Teehee. I know it's an inconvenience when you've gotta go to the toilet, but i just prefer the window seats. The flight was around 4 hours plus, we reached Macau at around 5.

MACAU

Our hotel - The Grand Emperor

It really is grand. I soon found out later that many of the hotels in Macau were extremely lavish and grand. Look at the two ang mohs they employ specially to dress up like Buckingham palace guards and stand outside the doors the whole day.

At the main lobby checking in.

@ Grand Emperor main lobby

I look awfully tired. I was awfully tired. haha. The kids were wearing me out with their bickering and fight, plus the lack of sleep didn't help much.

@ some restaurant in Macau

This was dinner the first night. The food was quite nice.

@ some famous shop selling tons of crackers and biscuits

After dinner, we went to this place to get stuff, my mum bought a crazy load of stuff. HEAVY stuff.

@ I can't rmb what it's called. some wall of a church

An old wall of a church, it's the only thing left of it.

Our hotel room!

Look at the toilet, it's bigger than my room. It's huge! I soaked in the tub 2 nights straight, it was so relaxing!

Breakfast

The food was yummy. I lent Caleb my DS lite for the trip so he could play. I LOVE it when the kids play their games, it was the only time of the day where there was no fighting. hahah.

@Magaret's cafe e Nata

BEST Portuguese egg tarts I've ever eaten. I'm feeling hungry now just thinking of it.

@City of dreams

It had this digitalized wall where there were fishes and mermaids. Pretty cool.

@ Venetian lobby

See what I mean by lavish and grand?

@ Mall in Venetian

It had a canal flowing through it like in Venice. The canals, the singing, the painted ceilings made everything seem a lil too tacky for my liking.

Man on stilts plus statue guy

The guy on stilts suddenly walked into the photo when I was helping Uncle jimmy and his family take a photograph. It was so funny! The statue guy doesn't move AT ALL. He's one of the best I've seen.

The venetian casino toilet

Crazily big and grand. At least 30 stalls in there. Everything looks very pretty and all, but oh man, the smoking just ruins everything. There's people smoking EVERYWHERE. I think I lost a couple of months off my life breathing in all the second hand smoke. Plus, my clothes, hair, bag stank at the end of the day. gross.

Our last day at Macau, checking out

Mister grumpy guard

Reuel is super cute in the first photograph.

HONGKONG!

Our room in hotel Panorama

Our room was small, and they had to set up an extra bed. It was by the window! So I basically had a window bed. It was soooo nice. I loved how I could stare out into the night and fall asleep, and wake in the morning with a view. Sigh, I already miss Hongkong.

Caleb and Rueul at breakfast

They're wearing sunglasses I bought at H&M. Super cute boys!

@top floor of the hotel

I didn't know of this place the last time I came, if not, I would have stayed there for hours! The wind was mad cold and the view was pretty.

Walking to the train station

@ Tsim Sha Tsui Station

Look at their matching outfits! hahah.

@Sweet Dynasty

I looked for the whole day for sweet dynasty and couldn't find it. I couldn't rmb how to walk there. But then, on the last day, while we were shopping at the esprit outlet, we walked past it! So, I brought auntie Julia, Reuel and mummy to eat some dessert. We were supposed to meet up with the rest after that for lunch so we could only order dessert. Auntie Julia was droooooooling when she saw the porridge the other tables were having! hahah. She had been trying to find some porrige to eat since the day before. After many moments of indecision, we just decided it was best to just stick to dessert. We met up with the rest after that and persuaded them to go to sweet dynasty. And we did! So auntie Julia had her porridge and I had my ngau lam noodles ( my daddy kept raving over it). =)

A shopping mall with a very pretty ceiling

This was on out last day. We went shopping at Esprit outlet and bought loads of stuff. Rueul tagged along with us and he was sucha good boy waiting for hours for us. That's why we decided to go to sweet dynasty. Of course, after eating dessert, he had a sugar rush and was extremely hard to handle. Still, I have to say he was a really good boy waiting for us. Didn't even complain. Maybe it was the DS that was the trick. hahaha.

Free Hugs!

Even in HK, people were giving out free hugs. Of course, not many went up. I was keeping a strong hold on Reuel because he really wanted to give the guy a hug! Auntie Julia said no. hahahha.

On the way to the airport

I didn't take any photos after this. We took the 8:15 PM flight back to Singapore. It was a smaller plane so the seats were more cramp. No problem for me though, on of the advantages of being short=D

I miss Hong kong already. Somehow, I just like the place. It brings back memories for me. No matter what has happened from the time of my first trip to now, those memories were great memories. And this trip just adds on to it. There were some down moments for me during the vacation, but I guess that's just the way life is. Sometimes, remembering can be painful. But, I would pass up an offer to forget these memories any day.

I would go back one day, soon.

2010-06-07T22:02:00.002+08:00

i've got a doctor's appointment tmrw.

SGH again. i really don't like going to the hospital, it's just really boring going through the same routine again and again. registration, waiting, xray, waiting again, finally seeing my doc, going through the same questions again, paying, waiting, queuing at the pharmacy to get my meds, paying.

ohwell.

at least i'm meeting my brother for lunch tmrw.

it's raining. i love rainy nights.

i don't know why, it just gives me such a calm feeling.

pitter patter of the rain drops.

the whistling of the wind.

i'm happy.

anyway, i'm going to go chill now.

before my relaxed mode switches off.

toodles.

2010-06-07T02:40:00.002+08:00

i'm home.

had a great trip. if only it was longer.
i'm floating. that's how tired i am.
kids really do drain your energy like a tap. caleb is mild, but reuel is just hyper and a handfull at times. it was fun though, i really hold mothers in high regard now, especially auntie julia.

also, the shopping was good. went to H&M and went mad.haha.
plus the esprit outlets.
will update abt everything soon.

now, i need to just lie on my bed, and close my eyes.
fall into slumber.

2010-06-03T09:58:00.002+08:00

results are out.
and i'm freaaaakin' tired.
slept at like 5 last night.
YAWNNNN.

vain me had to repaint my nails because they were chipping off really grossly.
plus, i always spend hours packing. i have no idea why. and i always overpack. hahah.

i'm feeling woozy now.
ahh yes. back to results.
i didnt fail anything. hahha. well, i did alright. worse than last sem=/, but better than expected for my BB and OT. i thought i would totally fail BB. only sad thing is that my LM didn't get the HD i was working so hard for. sian. and WIL was the worse grade of all. 100% project modules are meant to help right? in the end it wasn't really so.

overall, i did alright.
i can go for my holiday in peace now!
HOLIDAYYYYY, YAY.

=)

alright, i'm going to shower now.
see you peeps in a couple of days!

2010-06-02T22:14:00.002+08:00

i'm tired.
day out with joy again!
we went to lawry's for high tea, and canton i for dinner, then had a jumbo sized yami yoghurt!=)

i walked till i had blisters.
ouch.

i'm sleepy.
results coming out hopefully soon.
i want to get it over and done with.
leaving for hongkong tmrw.
hopefully my results won't dampen my holiday mood.

alright, time to start packing.
toodles.

2010-06-02T02:25:00.002+08:00

i just ran 11 mins nonstop, and i'm having trouble typing now.
hahha.
it's a milestone! the last time i could only keep up a constant run for 4 mins max.

i'm happy. and very exhausted.
i don't think i'll be able to walk tmrw.
my thighs are jelly.

yay.
next up is 15 mins.
i ran with my brother. it was pretty creepy though. my brother is a fast runner, so even though i started first he over took me in no time at all. so i ran alone. at 1 am. on the deserted streets from my house to potong pasir.

i was afraid someone would suddenly pop up and kidnap me. so i kept thinking of strategies to fend off attackers. hahahha. before i knew it, i was already past the ten minute milestone.

i'm going to cool off and shower now.
need to get to bed before 3 o'clock if possible, so i can meet joy tmrw.
i want to wake up at 10 plus tmrw, do some morning excercise and have tea with her.

can't wait for thursday to come.
=)))
then again, i hope my results are okay!

alright, time to go and shower now.
bye!

2010-06-01T20:13:00.002+08:00

3rd june is coming.
i'm remembering how i went through results season last semester. it was so stressful. i was down for many days. gosh. and this semester, i'm expecting worse results. darn.

i hope i can maintain the same gpa score as last semester. doesn't look very possible now though.
i can feel the stresssss!

anyway for those rock and roll 60's fans, here's a song i love.
The Kinks - All day and all of the night

	Kinks - All Day And All Of The Night .mp3

	Found at bee mp3 search engine

Isn't the song just awesome?
I heard it in the movie, the boat that rocked - another great movie.

alright, i'm going to watch this really good show, it's called modern family, and it's SO FUNNY!
bye!

2010-06-01T01:36:00.002+08:00

KRISPY KREME, NANDOS, HONEY MACADAMIAS.
momma is home!!!!!!!!

happy. for awhile.

kinda down. for now.
it's nights like these that make me loosen my grip on resolve.

boohoo.
i need to go chill.
stay away from the computer for the next couple of days, except maybe to blog.

the waves of bearable sadness,
not breaking this stronghold that exists.
instead it creeps and seeps,
into the many cracks and facets of depression.

slowly but surely,
it finds every weakness.
diluted by short term happiness,
it weakens but never disappears

the sun comes up,
still it lingers on.
this shall remain constant,
till the day the harp plays true.

"I'm just going to write because I cannot help it" - Charlotte Bronte

2010-05-31T23:28:00.002+08:00

today was a release from my two day self exile at home.
met up with dearest joy, and we went crazy over all the food stalls at ion. this woman is a crazy food maniac when it comes to finger food. yes, even by my standards. haha.

we had 4 fingers chicken, octopus balls(very good), macha tea,blueberry cheese cake, tea, yong tau fu, abacus yam, yami yoghurt, wasant bread(love) and others that i forgot abt.

i guess i was binge eating. bad bad habit.

we wanted to try out lawry's tea time set, but it was too late alr. we spent a lil too much time chilling. hahaha. so next week then! i'll be going to her place to stay over. susu and joel will be in australia so the house will be pretty empty. plusssss, joel can't call me fatty, which is a major plus point. haha yay. if i told him my body fat percentage he would just faint. hahhaa.

i bought colour pencils, thinking i could draw and water colour and stuff. I BOUGHT THE WRONG ONES. instead of water colour, i bought the classic ones. sigh, $12.50 down the drain.

darn.
oh well, i'm pacifying myself by just shading and colouring in stuff. sighhh.

my brother's out.
i've gotta wrap a gift he's going to give to his friend.
i don't mind, i love wrapping presents and making cards.

gosh, i still can't believe i bought the wrong colour pencils.
=(

i guess i was rather listless today.
glad my momma is coming home tmrw!
then two more days to results and finally, release.

i feel down because a few months back i believed that by now, things would have been settled.
when i say settled, i mean resolved. no such luck though. it's just not meant to be.

on another note.
last night, my last stand of patience and mildness wore off.
blew my top and didn't hold back.
im glad that now, i've finally learnt to say what i mean. because i would be totally wallowing in regret by now if it was otherwise.
and i don't regret it. i feel down to have done something so drastic, yes. but no regrets.

i'm not known to be an angry or fierce person.
joy told me that angry and fierce are the last words used to describe me.

well.
i guess i'm changed now.
for better or for the worse?
it's debatable.

''so tell me darling, do you wish we'd fall in love?''
all the time...

2010-05-31T01:51:00.001+08:00

NOW, I AM ANGRY.

2010-05-30T22:49:00.002+08:00

hi all.
it's a sunday night.
i've officially stayed home for the last two days.

it has been a nice time by myself.
i watched lotssss of shows. read lots of books.wrote lots of stuff.
except for a few hiccups along the way, everything was good.

i'm meeting joy tmrw for brunch=)
havent seen her in a couple of months. she says her results will be out tmrw morning and her mood will be derived frm it, so i hope she does well!

thursday thursday thursday.
is coming.

3rd june. is coming.

sigh.
yay.
sigh.

i don't know what to feel.

i'm going to read my book now.
toodles.

2010-05-29T00:06:00.002+08:00

oh boy.
i reallly do not like being back to my moody state.

it's like i'm back to square one!
i don't know exactly what i'm moody about, i just am!
i feel so lonelyyyyyyyyy. maybe that's why.

i wanna go for a jog. or well, night walk.
but. i'll be alone. so maybe not. i don't wanna get kidnapped.
maybe i'll just walk around the inner compound.

oh dang. i don't have my door card!!!
just rmbed. i don't know where i placed it after the other night's jog.
crappers.

i'll just take it from my maid's wallet.
sigh.

i'm extremely irritable today. could feel myself almost snapping a couple of times.
oh well.
i miss my momma.....

i guess i'll go watch a couple of shows now.
i'll go down for a breather only if i really need it.

night all.

2010-05-28T13:26:00.002+08:00

not sucha good morning.
maybe that's what was bothering me last night.
still can't pinpoint it though.

i should be happy. but i feel nothing close to that.
at least it's now and not next week.
i would have shrieked if that happened.

sigh.

now i think i'll stay home the next couple of days.
meeting sam again later, we still have to get certain things! haha.

i miss mommy.
she'll be back in 4 days.
my roommate will be back in 3 days.
results in 6 days.
sighhh.

frm tmrw, it'll be like a mind detoxing weekend.
time to get out the writing materials.
i feel like a dam about to explode.

okay, i'm very much dangling on that thin line again.
a step front into the embrace of insanity, a step back into the distress of life.
what do i choose?

i told my brother last night: i have a bad feeling.
he said: bad feelings usually arise from something bad you did. what did you do today?
me: thinking- what did i do wrong?
.
.
.
i began to feel happy again.

is that bad?

it terrifies me. sounds stupid. but it does.
the beginnings of letting go the pain, entrusting yourself to life and the uncontrollable forces that govern it.

okay, enough thinking.
before my mind explodes.

2010-05-28T03:12:00.002+08:00

i've got a bad feeling.
can't be explained, i just don't feel right.
i feel like something's wrong.

i hope everyone's ok.

i'll just go to bed now.

need to get rid of this feeling.
gd night.

2010-05-27T02:13:00.002+08:00

i realize that my posts are down to one daily.
yes, that's lesser than usual, i usually just type whatever nonsense comes to my head. sometimes even four times a day!

i guess i'm just getting bored.
i want my vacation! and i'm not getting it. was thinking of going off to thailand in june. maybe things will be better then. fingers crossed!

it's the 26th or well, technically since it's 02:16am in the morning, it's the 27th of may.
results will be out on the 3rd. FREAKED. sigh.

brother's leaving for KL on friday, so i'll be room mateless for a couple of days.
i just feel bored and restless.
friday saturday sunday.
what to do.

i'm feeling restless, but apparently not restless enough to make plans with peeps.
'deflated' is how i feel.
i've had enough of boyzzzzzz. all the mess and craziness. so for some of y'all i'm gonna chill out and vanish from the face of the earth for awhile.
i need some estrogen in the air.

well i'm meeting sam tmrw for some good food and good shopping, but that's a different story. hahahha.

i wonder what wanying is up to. maybe we could catch a movie over the weekend if she's not working.

i feel so worn out. these dreams have to stop, because it's getting difficult to seperate reality from lala land. and that gets frightening at times, when i've gotta stop for a few minutes and think whether that event actually took place.

basically these dreams are screwing with my mind. and evidently, in reality, some people are too. you don't have to pull any tricks on me because i know what you are doing and it's a lil funny how hard you try to push the message across. just play it cool yeah? you taught me that.

some people, i don't know whether to hate them love them. it's just royally messed up.

and i guess i've changed, because now i'm a little more accepting to certain things. and i know that's what some peeps want. so it's great right? you've got exactly what you wanted. i don't need anymore of these mind****(as melvin would put it) crap because it's honestly pretty tiring, and there's already enough drama in my life.

yea, so i'm done ranting.
wait there's more.

honey pie, i don't know why you're not replying my messages and what not, but just letting you know i'm still here. and i miss you. call me out when you're ready. we'll go for a gals night out. as gracia always says: GIRL POWER!

to all guys in my life. besides a few(you know who you are!).
i'm.. just tired.
if i don't reply you, i don't reply you. get a hint. and deal with it. you haven't seen my no holds barred side. trust me, it's not nice.
if you're avoiding me because of certain circumstance, i get it. mel told me it's what many guys will do. so i understand. not very happy about it. but i get it.
if i've said to you before, i'll be there. I WILL BE THERE. don't have any doubt about that. i just need to vanish now for awhile. because it's too much to handle. i'm just an ordinary girl, not superwoman.

to the few other guys in my life.
love ya lots. because i can totally whine and complain and go googoo for who knows how long, and you'll still be there with me. i can tell you i love you and not have you go all weird about it. i've realized that there's really only a couple of you guys out there who can just be my pal with no strings attached. it is very very much appreciated.

i need more girl time.
jt when you come home i'm booking you by the week slot. hahahhahah. i totally need to whine and complain, we can whine and complain together!
wy, we need to plan a holiday! soooooooooon before i go cuckoo.

alrighty it's late.
hope i wont be late tmrw. sam better not be late too.
night!

2010-05-26T03:08:00.002+08:00

1) ate nando's
( nice, but not as nice as nando's in melbourne)

2) made up with a friend..!
=)

3) made plans for meetups
(still have more ppl to date out)

4) chatted with mel on msn
(dear boy! if you feel homesick you could always rant and send me an email if im not online. enjoy yourself yea!=))

5) just got back from a jog
(although only 4 mins, it's an improvement! plus, i walked all the way back home with a whole bag of groceries because we went to the 24 hr mart at macpherson, really heavy!)

6) NO KBOX!
(shhhhhhhh, seems like the kbox outing isn't happening because no one smsed me! wooh. yay.)

my day has been fulfilling.
goodnight.

2010-05-25T00:23:00.002+08:00

last night, i realized something.
I HAD DENTAL APPOINTMENT THE NEXT DAY!

my gosh. really glad i remembered when i stood in the toilet brushing my teeth.
see? that's why even though mommy gets kinda annoying when she nags and nags, it's all for your own good. my mom left for aus with her gal pals sunday. wow, if she knew i missed my appointment she would kill me! because this dentists gets so many patients you've gotta book waaay in advance.

Si hoe dental surgery at tanglin shopping centre.. honestly. i think i've never stepped into tanglin shopping centre before today. took a cabbie there because i was late!

had to have some fillings done, gross. i didn't even know i had any decay teeth, because my usual (crappy) dentist at Q&M never says so! and then Dr Si hoe said that these 'stains' are actually eating into my teeth, so it's not a full blown decay, but best to take out the affected portins and fill it up now then have to deal with possible extraction in the future.

i kinda like him, he's a very friendly old man who's nice. he said i had nice teeth=DDD just for the molar parts(which he took care off), i had great teeth! TEEHEE.

no worries, i don't have those black fillings, which came to my mind when he said i needed fillings. i freaked. he put in fillings and kinda used a light to harden up the fillings. and they're ivory coloured to match my teeth! looks very pretty indeed. hahaha.

what's good about a private dental clinic is that you have their utmost attention. i had three people working on me at the same time. haha. i love going to the dentist, although it hurts sometimes because i've got sensitive teeth, i just like it there.

so everything took about close to an hour, and i was done!
the bill was ahem. wow.
hahahha, $185 altogether, because of the fillings i had done. it's well worth it if you don't want sub standard dentists working on your teeth! i've gotta go back in november for another appointment. i only had $170 plus in my wallet. and ususally dentists and docter clinics don't have nets. SMACKS HEAD. nearest atm was at forum, so i had to walk and walk all the way and back. good excercise. hahha.

so i had a good experience!
since i had dental i couldn't go to nando's=( so i'm going tmrw! woots.
can't wait.

=)))
NANDO'S. i don't know why i'm so excited, but i just love nando's. reminds me of the fun times on our melbourne trip. i'm gonna order the extra hot peri sauce chicken. hee. i don't know how much it is though, i think it'll be pricey. we'll find out tmrw.

alright, i'm gonna go read a book now.

sleep tight everybody.
bye!

2010-05-23T18:18:00.002+08:00

I WANT TO EAT NANDO'S.

didn't realize there was a new outlet at bugis!
=))))
going to nando's with my brother tmrw.
weeeeeee.
i'm gonna be a happy gal tomorrow.

I'm hungry now.
boon tong kee again!
toodles.

2010-05-23T05:20:00.002+08:00

feet sore like crap.
voice totally gone.
hicupping nonstop.
but i had so much FUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!

went to zouk and just got home.
surprisingly i'm not drunk, just a lil high.
i'm having trouble typing though.

woots.
it was so crowded that at one time i was literally squashed at the side table we were standing at.
now i understand how ppl can die being packed like sardines.

ouch my toes are crying,
guest dj today.
super crowded.
gosh, ok, time for some mac.
MC GRIDDLES!
woohoo.

toodles everyone!

2010-05-21T23:04:00.004+08:00

DAY OUT WITH GEEBEE!

i'm aching all over. after yesterday's 'run', more like sprint, my whole right side is aching. calf, hips, butt, tummy. but nothing on the left! not even an ache. so annoying! it means my left leg's just a wooden leg propping me up without actually using much muscle. i didn't know that was possible. ugh.

anyway. yesterday i had a great time out with wy and the gang, we went to ichiban boshi to eat dinner while we discussed our trip. then wy and me went to watch robin hood. it was neeeeh.. alright only. nothing great about it.

i met up with gb today. our main theme for the day was FOOD. lol, we just ate and ate and ate.
brought him to 'jones the grocer' at mandarin gallery. mel brought me there a couple of days ago, and i knew i just had to bring gb there! it was sorta like tea time. so he got a japanese genmaicha tea, that smells so much like rice crackers, it was great! i got kashmiri chai, and it was so fragrant.=) we also wanted to try the food there, so we got tapas. red peppers(i think roasted because it didn't even have any gross smell that bell peppers usually have), stuffed with feta cheese(i think?) and wrapped with prosciutto, and served in some realy tasty tomato puree.

cute teapots and really awesome tapas!

MY FAV DISH FOR THE DAY!=) it came with toasted sliced baguettes. we also got a blueberry cheese cake. i think they made it themselves, so it didn't have that factory made quality to it.

overall, a very good experience. i think it's gonna be one of my fav hangouts to go to just chill out.

guobin at the jap restaurant, sry for the blur pic!
my grandfather phone isnt doing too well, esp after my dearest mummy spilt an entire cup of water over it, and she didn't even know! smack head. so i had to hair dry it for an hour plus.

after that we walked around for awhile looking for more food. hahaha. we went to ion, and ate at that japanese restaurant with the usual UBER long queue. when we went there there was no queue at all, so we were quite lucky! order many dishes to share, beef on hot plate(not very nice), gyoza(so so only), some sushi, udon, this giant skewer fried pork thing(nice! and it was a huge portion but we didn't get sick of it).

at wheelock finding for more food

hahha. after that, we went over to wheelock to eat dessert! settled at coffee club and ordered some cakes. gross cakes. after trying the cheesecakes at jones,the ones at coffee club were not very appetizing at all.

that was our day! we just talked and talked and caught up with each other since we haven't met up since before my exams. it was a fun day out, and i'm glad i met up with him today.

i hope you liked your gift geebee! i hope it means as much to you as it means to me. lost opportunities are lost and gone, but it doesn't mean we should forget it=) so i hope it reminds you of our friendship.

now, after a busy couple of days out. i just wanna stay home. and rot. haha.
alrighty, gonna go and watch a couple of shows before turning in to bed.
nightnight!

2010-05-20T03:07:00.003+08:00

ok i ended up pigging the whole day!
didn't go to the gym, because lunch looked too good to miss.
fell asleep on the bed for a couple of hours, before having dinner, then just napping again.
lol. been lazing the whole day away!

tmrw i'm gonna wake up and go to the gym.
yesyes, you've heard thaaat before. well, this time i'm really going.
now i'm gonna do my stretches. pardon the crude words but, STRETCHING'S A BITCH.
ok i've gotten that off my chest.
time for some pain.

meeting wy and the rest for dinner tmrw.
i've gotta rmb to bring my lappy.

alright, night everyone.

2010-05-19T14:49:00.002+08:00

home today.
didn't go to the PO, was too lazy.
going to the gym in an hour's time. gonna attempt to run for maybe 5 mins. i guess i'll add on to that the next few times i go.
my ankle has been giving me problems since the day i went shopping mad. my muscles are so tight when i point my toes i get cramps. amzing.

i finally sat down and seriously did my stretches last night, it was bad. so darn painful! hate stretching the most. because no matter how i seem to do my stretches, the next morning it springs back to its usual tension crappy like tightness. but i don't care, i have to get the stiffness out of my joints! and to do that, the first step is to stretch those muscles.

my uninjured leg is the worse. because i rely so much on it, the muscles have grown and tightened up like crazy. now it's better, but last year when i reached for my toes, and the farthest i got was halfway down my shin. CRAZY RIGHT!? imagine the pain. ugh.

alright i'm gonna get prepared to go to the gym now.
toodles.

2010-05-19T00:26:00.002+08:00

Met up with wanying for brunch and tea, plus lotsa shopping.=)

Then, had dinner with melvin lum. he's going off to SF on saturday! so today's the last day I'll see him until he comes back two months later. ohhhhhhhh mel. how will i survive without you arounnnnnd! hahhahha. have a safe trip there and enjoy your summer school!=) i'll miss you dearly!

jaytee, jaytee, jaytee. I miss you too, can't wait for you to come home!

i've had a lot of thinking to do these couple of days, a lot of difficult decisions to make.
i've been losing too much these couple of months, it's never easy. but i'm surviving. and i'm dealing with it. i'm beginning to see the end of the road, still far off, but i'm getting closer. i can't stand losing anymore people in my life, but if it's neccessary, then i'll let it be. i try to be the best i can be, i try my best to be someone who can cause others the least pain. sometimes, i'm quite up in situations where no matter what i do, i'll be causing hurt. and it sucks. it's extremely difficult to do the things that's right, to make sure i stand by my principles and do what i would do. but i try, and i try hard to not get caught up in an emotional tornado where i can't think rationally. i'm different now. i don't just hop onto anything immediately, i think of the consequences and the repercussions of all my actions. i know when it comes to certain things, rationalizing everything doesn't work, but i've got to. I've got to ensure that i've done all i can to make things right.

i'm happier these days, i can feel it. it's an improvement. i guess after i've said my peice, i've finally really decided to let go. i'm ready to make singlehood my discipline. a discipline to work towards until the right moment comes. it's be tough, and crappy at times, but i know that this is what i need now.

yup, enough thinking.
time to go to bed. i'm feeling sleepy.
but knowing my brother, he'll keep me awake till 4 plus or later.
bye!